Differently Positive

I was initially thinking of two other posts entitled "Celebrations, Rest, and Mr. Froggy", which, hopefully, would be a bit humorous, and showing a lot of positivity. The other post, "Ugly", would talk about my struggles concerning self-esteem, and how I am overcoming it through the word of God and my husband's encouragement - another "positive" post. Maybe, I will still post something under those titles, but after today's disappointment because of my hemoglobin being low, which means no chemo, I'd like to go another direction and not force myself to be upbeat. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, I am after all still human. I am often urged to be positive and fight, which is totally good, but right now, I feel like just letting things be. 

Every time my husband changes my bandages, we see new tumors growing and it's so easy to get discouraged and give up. At times, I would see my husband's face, and it isn't a look of gladness but of worry, which could easily scare me. However, I was reminded to look beyond the physical and seek the reason why this illness is being allowed to happen in spite of all our prayers and efforts. 

There is something deeper than just being well. These verses sum it all up, 

2 Corinthians 12:7 
I will say this: because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me and prick my pride. 8 Three different times I begged God to make me well again.

9 Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities.10 Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.

This post may not leave a positive note to some but this ongoing struggle is giving me more clarity as to how I should live my life. 

This cancer, with all its ugliness and pain, will not stop me from living my life to the fullest. 

What is this flesh worth anyway knowing it is bound to decay and die? We spend so much on beautifying, pampering, and enriching this flesh, when that is not the point of living. We pay so much attention on our life here on earth that we forget eternity. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working on being healthy but, what is most important, I am learning, is to prepare for heaven, our real home. 

It is for God to decide to give me my physical healing. If He decides otherwise, and He has all the right to, it is still well and good, because when I'm in heaven, I'll be perfect. 

Now, isn't that the most positive thing?