Not Easy

There is a modern day idol and its name is "Easy". We pursue it; crave it, and work so hard to get it. I am guilty of this sin.

Easy relationships. Easy access to information. Easy everything. 

Even though life is never simple, it is still something I dream of. It occupies my mind day and night to have a less burdensome life. I crave for it so much that I forget what I really should be thinking about: God and His purpose for my life. "Easy" becomes an idol, and I repent. 

If we think about it, there is nothing easy or simple in any of God's designs. 

Our body is an intricate set of wires, ligaments, muscles, bones and organs, and even unseen elements, tightly put together in a complicated manner forming beautiful works of art. 

Our world is composed of hills, mountains, valleys, deserts, rocks, sands, with creations such as plants and animals with different and complex behaviors and demanding needs, making up a vibrant, breathing, and amazing world. 

Our great men and women, if we watch and study their lives, didn't live easy lives. All had struggles, and went through pains. Many died for their beliefs. As innocent men and women, they were mocked, persecuted, hunted down, harassed, isolated, jailed, and even killed. My greatest example is Jesus, who, instead of coming as a prestigious king, came as a meek carpenter's son; SACRIFICED himself to die a criminal's death - far from an untroublesome life. 

So why do I still dream of an easy life? What I need to learn is ACCEPTANCE that this life is designed with twists and turns AND highs and lows. 

This song clearly says what needs to be done through all these complications, 

  Through Heaven's Eyes 

Prince of Egypt

A single thread in a tapestry

though its color brightly shines

can never see its purpose

in the pattern of the grand design

and the stone that sits up on the very top

of the mountain's mighty face

does it think that it's more important

than the stones that forms the base

So how can you see what your life is worth

or where your value lies

ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man

you must look at your life

look at your life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes

A lake of gold in the desert sand

is less than a cool fresh spring

and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy

is greater than the richest king

should a man lose everything he owns

has he truly lost his worth

or is it the beginning

of a new and brighter birth

So how do you measure the worth of a man

in wealth or strength or size

in how much he gained or how much he gave

the answer will come

the answer will come to him who tries

to look at his life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes

and that's why we share all we have with you

though there's little to be found

when all you've got is nothing

there's lots to go around

No life can escape being blown about

by the winds of change and chance

and though you never know all the steps

you must learn to join the dance

you must learn to join the dance

lai-la-lai

So how do you judge what a man is worth

By what he builds or buys

You can never see with your eyes on earth

Look through heaven's eyes(look at your life)

Look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes

You must learn to join the dance. 

I must learn to join the dance. 

What I need, and should DESIRE is to continually worship and honor Him during my struggles. Thank Him for all the pain. Trust and FOCUS on Him. It is ALL about Him because, simply put, He. Is. GOD. 

There can never be room in my mind for idols, including Easy. 

There was a pastor who told me and my husband once, "ENJOY this challenge." At that time, we thought that was impossible and crazy. Now, I am slowly getting it. 

Something great is going to come out of this cancer, whether I feel it or not. "Easy" would never produce that greatness. 

I am getting excited! 

Hebrews 12

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Humbling

Having cancer is a a very humbling thing. You see how limited your time is, here on earth; how weak your flesh is; and how much you are in need of a perfect God. 

We, humans, tend to forget that we are destructible. With all the glories we want to acquire - the best "stuff", respect, admiration, and envy of others, we forget that there is a God whom we ought to bow down to. We set up ourselves as our very own idols. 

I, for one, strong and seemingly far from sickness, dreamed of such grandeur. I wanted to make a name for myself through every good work I could think of and do. But I was always met with disappointments. The high that I was looking for after every endeavor was just not there. Whatever success I got was never enough. I always wanted more. 

During those times, I felt I just couldn't get a break and bad things were happening to me. Little did I realize that God was really protecting me. He was keeping me from straying far away from him.

One may ask, "What is wrong with dreaming big things for ourselves?" What's wrong with it is, we weren't created for ourselves, but for Him who formed us. 

We weren't born just so we could acquire glory for ourselves, but to give it to whom it is due, who alone is worthy. And the glory we give to Him, out of kindness, He shares it with us. 

We should, once and for all, realize that everything we were gifted to do - making art, music, dance, sports, literature....are all for Him! 

Cancer, like what I wrote in my last post, is also an ally. It helps me remember I am but flesh and blood, imperfect, limited, and in great need - but MADE FOR WORSHIP.

Why do bad things happen in this world? So we remember.....

Isaiah 66:1-2

Heaven is my throne and the earth is my footstool: What Temple can you build for me as good as that? My hand has made both earth and skies, and they are mine. Yet I will look with pity on the man who has a humble and a contrite heart, who trembles at my word.

Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

New Year

I entered the new year with my heart.

That means, I wasn't able to get out of bed (not a lot of physical activities, but a lot of good feelings and thoughts). It was the second day after chemo, and I was dealing with its side effects. 

We made sure we had good food, sparklers, a good movie to watch, and good words for each other. Most importantly, we made sure to pray. There is nothing like entering the new year with Someone who can love us perfectly. And there is nothing like the love of Jesus. 

I kept telling my family I love them, and whenever they entered the room, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful they all were, and I made sure they knew it. I am thankful that we were able to still build good memories in spite of how I was feeling. 

I am thankful for my husband and girls who went to the grocery store, cooked, and made sure to make our dining table attractive by serving delicious food: lasagna, prawns in chili and garlic, apple pie....and our Tita who lives next door, giving us barbecue and lumpiang shanghai, plus fruit salad. Oh how we love to eat! 

We wrote our new year resolutions in my homemade cards and put them in our tiny christmas tree;  

my husband and youngest daughter went out at twelve midnight to watch the fireworks and to light up her sparklers.

 

 

My two big girls spent time with me in the room, and played the movie, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. We thought it was fitting because of Electro who sparkled the city. I was in bed, spending quality time with the people I love, munching on chocolate-covered raisins. Hmmmm, yeah, new year's eve was good. God was good, and still is, and will be for the rest of the year. 

Happy 2015 everyone! 

An Update 2

I am excited to write this because for the past weeks I have been comfortable, energetic, and was able to do a lot of things. I don't know if they can be called work, but I have been doing things that mean a lot to me.

(Isn't it so much better to write about our victories than our pains and frustrations?)

First thing in my agenda is to get well. I have been consistent in taking my meds, and I am seeing good results! When I started taking the vitamins shown below, I have felt more energetic than I ever was. I think it's also the combination of things. These vitamins plus my other meds for iron, pain, and liver care are all helping me. Thank God for modern medicine!

I am not suggesting that others take these vitamins. I am simply writing about my personal experience. If you are interested in taking these, please ask your doctor. I consulted my doctor before taking these, and she said yes to it.

This morning, I had to thank my husband again as I always do because I really am grateful for him. I told him, my life is prolonged because of the care he is giving me. Isn't that true?

If a patient is secure in the care she is receiving, there can be more peace and joy in her that leads to more life.

Speaking of life, these are the things that occupied MY LIFE for the past weeks:

-We had a fund-raising event called, Great Cuts to Fight Breast Cancer. Some of the hairdressers I know gathered together to support this event. Not only do they love and care for me, but they remember the relationship they had with my mom. They think so fondly of her that they supported our cause wholeheartedly. They are friends and family who are fun-loving and full of life. Not only did we receive funding that's more than we expected, but we also had a lot of fun! There was dancing, singing, and crazy photo shoots. It was a break from my quiet life. I definitely needed that fun time. It was also great to see some of those who care for our family in person. It is life-giving for cancer patients to receive that kind of love. There is nothing like having real connections, apart from the internet that largely occupies us.  

I am truly grateful. Enjoy these wacky shots!

 

We are currently planning to have fundraisers every month. We'd like to make these gatherings fun and worthwhile to remember as family and friends come together. 

We are thankful for everybody's constant support.

-Scrapbooking. I have collected all our albums that are falling apart, and decided to work on one family scrapbook. It will show our wedding pictures, both our civil and church weddings, the birth of our girls, and their growing up years. I am not sure if I am doing a good job. I try to copy the ones in Pinterest but I am just a scrapbooker wanna-be. It's my first time to do this, so I expect improvements later on...hopefully. Here are some samples, 

Yikes! I really hope to be better at this.

-My happy art continues! Not only does this keep me busy, it has also been something I do with my kids. It is a good bonding time with them as we all work in my bed, being comfortably creative. :) Truthfully, I can't draw (Wow, this is brand new information! Not! Haha). What matters is I am having fun, and it keeps me away from negative thoughts and emotions.

Joey's work (ten years old)

Toni's (fourteen years old)

Andi's (seventeen years old)

-Lastly, I have been doing some work with my husband by pitching in ideas for our fundraisers, making a list of things that need to be done, and helping him organize by communicating with persons involved. It doesn't sound much, but I'm happy I am able to do more now. It feels good to be productive, but admittedly, I still can't do a lot of physical work as I still get tired easily. I am not expected by the people around me to work. They're actually doing a good job  in spoiling me. :) But for the season I am in, to do some work feels right. It helps me look forward to things, and therefore, gives me more strength.

November 5 is my third cycle of chemo. So far the new chemo drug, CMF, has been effective. I've been feeling lighter and a lot more comfortable. Please pray that it continues to be effective. 

I am grateful for everything that is keeping me here with my husband and children. It is not yet my time...there are still things to do and say, more love to give, prayers to be prayed, bible verses to read and learn from, and more moments to be touched and encouraged by others, seeing in them the goodness of God.

Still Here

I never had an easy life. Early on, I knew, life wasn't fair. At eighteen, I felt old. 

I never got comfortable about the separation of my parents. I knew we weren't a normal family. I craved for normalcy. At seventeen, I started to take steps towards that "normal life" by being in a relationship with a boy. I was starting to build a family of my own thinking, I'd have a normal family life. 

At the age of 22, this dream shattered. The boy left, as I dealt with having his baby in my tummy. That same year, my mom died. I became (sort of) a widow, and an orphan the same year. 

And then I learned even further that the world wouldn't be kind to you. So many people are normally just living for themselves and are success-money-material hungry. Even if it meant hurting someone, they'd get what they want. At a time, I was in the way of these individuals, and boy, I got hurt...really really hurt. Brokenhearted, shocked and angry, I didn't know how to go on. 

Through it all, God was there with me whether I felt him or not. Jesus guarded me in the midst of all the difficulties. I could have been swallowed up and destroyed by all the things I mentioned above. But I am still here.

And now, this sickness....you'd think I am cursed by God. 

How could that be when I'm experiencing his blessings through all the trials?

From the preaching I heard yesterday, suffering may oftentimes be because of our own doings. But there are instances when it's other people's fault and you suffer their evil actions. I know without a doubt, some of my sufferings were because I was directly affected by people's disloyalty, unfaithfulness, and greed. 

See, this is what Christianity is all about. It isn't that you're claiming you are perfect and you have a flawless life, but that you have a perfect God through all your imperfections; through all your unwise decisions, careless acts, willful ignorance, and other people's faults.

I am blessed simply because of what Jesus chooses to bless me with. And what a generous giver he is!

What I am really trying to say is, there are so many trends coming out these days, from exercise and fitness programs, organic food and products, strange way of thinking and being....but one thing has remained. He isn't some trend that comes and goes, and is ineffective. HE IS the ultimate source of comfort, healing and over-all wellness....He has been doing what he's doing to billions of people for thousands of years, which proves he is an immovable rock.

Now that I'm in a shaky place - seriously sick and faced with intimidating uncertainty, he remains to be my immovable rock.

In every season of my life, he remained the same...in every trial, he saved me....in every hurt, he comforted me. People say I'm strong but what they really see is God's grace and strength. My weakness makes a way for his strength to be displayed. 

Yes, my problems did not destroy me. He will forever be here, so, I am still here - hopeful and happy.

Enjoy this song,

Jennifer Hudson sang "I'm Here" from the Color Purple

Music

Where would I be without music? 

Music has been playing a big role in my journey through cancer. In the beginning of my treatments, I got this great verse, Zepheniah 3:17, 

The Lord God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will TAKE GREAT DELIGHT in you; in his love he will 

no longer rebuke you,

but will REJOICE over you with SINGING."

Singing (Worshiping) requires a lot of effort. You make use of your voice, hands and body. You discipline your mind to focus, understand the lyrics, and stay in tune. Your heart pumps. Your whole body is in submission to the song But, it...is...great. 

The moment I saw the verse above, the message that I got was God would be singing to me. In these difficult times, The King of kings and Lord of lords would be beside me singing, calming me like a mother would for her baby. 

Like a blanket of love, and a force that gives strength, God....Jesus envelopes me in his amazing love with songs. 

Those times when I would listen to my favorite christian songs, I felt that God was near, sending his peace through those melodies and words. What peace, POWER, and grace it brought me! What salvation it brought! 

The Lord is rejoicing over me....with singing! Wow. 

Here are A FEW of the songs I enjoyed, and empowered me through it all. Enjoy!

Strength Of My Life, Planetshakers

Oceans, Hillsong United

 

Freedom Is Here/ Shout Unto God, Hillsong United

Without You, David Guetta

With Everything, Hillsong United

Lord Of All, Jose Villanueva

Safe and Sound, Andi Tanabe

And for the hubby, I Love You More Today Than Yesterday, Bruno Mars

❤️

Intelligent

Why is it so hard for some people to say, "God"? How come some people feel awkward to mention the name, "Jesus"? If you call yourself a Christian, you shouldn't be ashamed of the name you are following. 

Please don't think, "Oh, another God-themed post."; "This blog should be about cancer." But look at my blog description, "Dealing with stage 4 breast cancer and living with Christ". 

I am able to deal with everything a cancer patient goes through because of Christ. He is always there to comfort me, and relieve my worries and fears. Often, when I'm in my irritable state, I'd feel Him say to me, "It's ok. I understand. I know your pain." Then, I wouldn't feel condemned or guilty for expressing my pain and complaints. 

His gentleness makes me whole. 

So why be ashamed to mention His name, or shout it out for everybody to know I am a follower of Christ?

Shouldn't I be so grateful and unashamed to thank Him publicly?

There are so many in our world, who consider themselves "intellectuals", who oftentimes criticize those who are open about their faith. They think of them as unthinking individuals, hypocrites, weak, and...wait for it.....crazy. 

Let me tell you this, Christians aren't perfect. We go to church and believe in Jesus to get fixed. We are a messed up, confused bunch who are looking for answers and help. 

But "intellectuals" believe they are doing so well in life, because they are smart and successful. They think they are better than everyone else. They don't say it, but they make the people around them feel it, with their sarcastic and mocking comments, lengthy lectures, and arrogant posture.

Little do they know that all those do not matter to God.

In the end, these individuals will be surprised that their achievements, intelligence, and pride won't matter; that something else is required of them; something more profound and real. 

Jesus.

   Stop fooling yourselves. If you count yourself above average in intelligence, as judged by this world’s standards, you had better put this all aside and be a fool rather than let it hold you back from the true wisdom from above. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As it says in the book of Job, God uses man’s own brilliance to trap him; he stumbles over his own “wisdom” and falls. 20 And again, in the book of Psalms, we are told that the Lord knows full well how the human mind reasons and how foolish and futile it is.

21 So don’t be proud of following the wise men of this world.[b] For God has already given you everything you need.

1 Corinthians 3 The Living Bible