Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

Still Here

I never had an easy life. Early on, I knew, life wasn't fair. At eighteen, I felt old. 

I never got comfortable about the separation of my parents. I knew we weren't a normal family. I craved for normalcy. At seventeen, I started to take steps towards that "normal life" by being in a relationship with a boy. I was starting to build a family of my own thinking, I'd have a normal family life. 

At the age of 22, this dream shattered. The boy left, as I dealt with having his baby in my tummy. That same year, my mom died. I became (sort of) a widow, and an orphan the same year. 

And then I learned even further that the world wouldn't be kind to you. So many people are normally just living for themselves and are success-money-material hungry. Even if it meant hurting someone, they'd get what they want. At a time, I was in the way of these individuals, and boy, I got hurt...really really hurt. Brokenhearted, shocked and angry, I didn't know how to go on. 

Through it all, God was there with me whether I felt him or not. Jesus guarded me in the midst of all the difficulties. I could have been swallowed up and destroyed by all the things I mentioned above. But I am still here.

And now, this sickness....you'd think I am cursed by God. 

How could that be when I'm experiencing his blessings through all the trials?

From the preaching I heard yesterday, suffering may oftentimes be because of our own doings. But there are instances when it's other people's fault and you suffer their evil actions. I know without a doubt, some of my sufferings were because I was directly affected by people's disloyalty, unfaithfulness, and greed. 

See, this is what Christianity is all about. It isn't that you're claiming you are perfect and you have a flawless life, but that you have a perfect God through all your imperfections; through all your unwise decisions, careless acts, willful ignorance, and other people's faults.

I am blessed simply because of what Jesus chooses to bless me with. And what a generous giver he is!

What I am really trying to say is, there are so many trends coming out these days, from exercise and fitness programs, organic food and products, strange way of thinking and being....but one thing has remained. He isn't some trend that comes and goes, and is ineffective. HE IS the ultimate source of comfort, healing and over-all wellness....He has been doing what he's doing to billions of people for thousands of years, which proves he is an immovable rock.

Now that I'm in a shaky place - seriously sick and faced with intimidating uncertainty, he remains to be my immovable rock.

In every season of my life, he remained the same...in every trial, he saved me....in every hurt, he comforted me. People say I'm strong but what they really see is God's grace and strength. My weakness makes a way for his strength to be displayed. 

Yes, my problems did not destroy me. He will forever be here, so, I am still here - hopeful and happy.

Enjoy this song,

Jennifer Hudson sang "I'm Here" from the Color Purple