Stress

I hope you learn from me. I was very stressed before my cancer diagnosis. 

I had an idea on how life should look like and I tried so hard to attain it. The terrible thing was, I thought I was still doing the right thing.

I would get frustrated when what was happening didn't match what I had in mind. 

I had specific visions of how my kids should be, and how family life and work should go. I even had very specific things in mind how my husband should be and do. And it caused A LOT of fights. I was forcing so many things to happen. I forgot that I already had great people around me, that I was already blessed with work, a home, and a wonderful family. I forgot to be more grateful than WISHING all the time. 

My thinking was, work on always improving. If there's still something that could be done to make things better, do it, and do it NOW! I put a lot of pressure on myself, and on the people around me, especially on my husband, and sadly, my kids. 

I ignored God's timing and His ways. I thought my ways were His ways because I confessed I was a Christian, but I still had a lot to learn. 

Check out this article concerning stress and how it affects our health, Causes And Effects Of Stress.

May I share something with you? Promise me you won't laugh. When I would get angry or worry, before  I found out about the cancer, I would feel a heavy throbbing on my chest. I thought I was starting to have a heart problem knowing that my father's side of the family was susceptible to heart diseases. When I was finally diagnosed, what was throbbing were the tumors on my right chest. It was exactly where I could feel the heavy beating. The tumors were reacting to my stress!

My husband and I believe, stress played a major part in the cancer growth in my body. 

That is why, now, it is easier for me to avoid it knowing how it affects my health, how it brings my immune system down. I have to surround myself with people, things, and situations that are relaxing for me. I have to constantly pursue a lifestyle of peace, and joy. 

The great thing is, this lifestyle change doesn't only affect me but also my family. I have more peace in my marriage, and I have more intimate conversations with my three daughters. We say "I love you" a lot, and we would talk about the wrong things we were doing in the past. We are on the lookout for worry and anger. They can't have any room in our present lives. 

BUT, there are still times that we give in to worry and anger. How can we not?! Having cancer in the family is supposedly even more stressful than when I didn't have it. But surprisingly, even though, we're in this situation now, it is EASIER to get rid of them; to choose to speak and act towards PEACE. It is easier because now, we are aware. 

We have to pray a lot. We need to be surrounded by God's word, and people who have faith and are encouraging. 

Some people still accept that being stressed is the normal way to live. They justify it, and sometimes even look for it. 

There was one time during my cancer treatment, because our family is working on being peaceful so much, that I felt so rested, relaxed and PEACEFUL. But I felt empty. I wasn't used to that way of life. I asked myself, "Is there something wrong that I'm so at peace right now? Am I missing something?" I was looking for stress and problems.

I get it. To those who are justifying their stressful way of living and are saying that I don't understand, I do! I also wanted what everyone is working hard for. I am also a wife, a mother, and in friendships and other relationships that are not exactly ideal. And now, I am sick. None of those should justify stress or a problematic life. Living in this world is hard for everyone. 

We all need God.

We all need to connect with Jesus. 

Exercise, good food, vacations, and money can help for a time, but Jesus is our Life! He is the source of everything. 

It is the blessing of the LORD that makes rich, And He adds no sorrow to it.

- New American Standard Version 

Matthew 11:28-28Living Bible (TLB)

28 Come to me and I will give you rest—all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke—for it fits perfectly—and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens.”

Psalm 23

2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength. He helps me do what honors him the most.

It is a waste of time and energy to insist on what we're used to. God's ways are the best. 

Cancer is a wake up call for me. Please please don't wait for something to happen to you to accept that being stressed and your way apart from God ISN'T the way. 

Choose your health. Choose peace. Choose simplicity. Choose people instead of things. Choose God's ways. Choose to know His Word. Choose Jesus.

Psalm 119

25 I am completely discouraged—I lie in the dust. Revive me by your Word. 26 I told you my plans and you replied. Now give me your instructions. 27 Make me understand what you want; for then I shall see your miracles.

Perfect Love

It is the love month! My blog design has been ready for it since the beginning of the year. 

I am not sure why I got into liking heart designs when I was never into these things in the past. I found Valentine's Day corny - the red everything, bears, hearts, chocolates, cupids, and lovers roaming everywhere. Ugh, it's just too much! It doesn't look real. 

I have a different view on love. 

First, do not get me wrong, I am a fan of feeling "kilig" too. But I am looking for something different. More than the outward stuff, to me, these are what matter - sincerity, loyalty, and selflessness, which I am continually working on to have, which I am constantly teaching my children, which I have found in my husband, which JESUS has patiently modeled for us. 

I love the way Jesus loves. 

Once you have opened yourself to His love, you are secure. You can lie down through storms and have peace, because you know He is beside you, even carrying you at times. 

You can say no to fear of the future because God's got your back! And He never disappoints. 

His love is gentle. He whispers words that assure and calm your fears. He eases your pain, and lets you rest from all your troubles. He answers your doubts, understands your weaknesses, and gives you new strength.

His love is strong. He corrects you where you are wrong, so you will not be hurt and irreparably broken. He doesn't hesitate to give "tough love", if it is what's needed, but He restores and gets you back on your feet; arms, equips, prepares you for battles ahead. 

He fights with you. 

He fights FOR you. 

He loves like a loyal friend, a passionate lover, a sacrificing soldier, focused athlete, and an understanding, all-powerful Father. 

I love the way He loves.

May the love of the Father and His Son, Jesus be with us all.

Let us all feel loved this season, because we are. 

Music 2

Music to me these days isn't just for enjoyment. It is a weapon to fight against discouragement, fear, anxiety, and unbelief. 

Psalm 118:14-16 says it best, "He is my strength and SONG in the heat of battle, and now he has given me the victory. 15-16 Songs of joy at the news of our rescue are sung in the homes of the godly."

Cancer is an enemy that can easily bring one to a place of misery and defeat. It is vicious and merciless. It may take me away from the people I love, but while I am still here, I won't let it break my heart and steal my enthusiasm for life. 

These songs remind me that there is hope; that Jesus gives me a way of escape from all my troubles.  

I hope you listen to these songs and let them propel you to a life of knowing His love and the victory you have in Him.

Enjoy! 

In The Name Of Jesus by Darlene Zschech

Our God by Chris Tomlin

I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin

How He Loves by David Crowder

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin

                         Psalm 42:8

Yet day by day the Lord also pours out his steadfast love upon me, and through the night I sing his songs and pray to God who gives me life.

Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

New Year

I entered the new year with my heart.

That means, I wasn't able to get out of bed (not a lot of physical activities, but a lot of good feelings and thoughts). It was the second day after chemo, and I was dealing with its side effects. 

We made sure we had good food, sparklers, a good movie to watch, and good words for each other. Most importantly, we made sure to pray. There is nothing like entering the new year with Someone who can love us perfectly. And there is nothing like the love of Jesus. 

I kept telling my family I love them, and whenever they entered the room, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful they all were, and I made sure they knew it. I am thankful that we were able to still build good memories in spite of how I was feeling. 

I am thankful for my husband and girls who went to the grocery store, cooked, and made sure to make our dining table attractive by serving delicious food: lasagna, prawns in chili and garlic, apple pie....and our Tita who lives next door, giving us barbecue and lumpiang shanghai, plus fruit salad. Oh how we love to eat! 

We wrote our new year resolutions in my homemade cards and put them in our tiny christmas tree;  

my husband and youngest daughter went out at twelve midnight to watch the fireworks and to light up her sparklers.

 

 

My two big girls spent time with me in the room, and played the movie, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. We thought it was fitting because of Electro who sparkled the city. I was in bed, spending quality time with the people I love, munching on chocolate-covered raisins. Hmmmm, yeah, new year's eve was good. God was good, and still is, and will be for the rest of the year. 

Happy 2015 everyone! 

Music

Where would I be without music? 

Music has been playing a big role in my journey through cancer. In the beginning of my treatments, I got this great verse, Zepheniah 3:17, 

The Lord God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will TAKE GREAT DELIGHT in you; in his love he will 

no longer rebuke you,

but will REJOICE over you with SINGING."

Singing (Worshiping) requires a lot of effort. You make use of your voice, hands and body. You discipline your mind to focus, understand the lyrics, and stay in tune. Your heart pumps. Your whole body is in submission to the song But, it...is...great. 

The moment I saw the verse above, the message that I got was God would be singing to me. In these difficult times, The King of kings and Lord of lords would be beside me singing, calming me like a mother would for her baby. 

Like a blanket of love, and a force that gives strength, God....Jesus envelopes me in his amazing love with songs. 

Those times when I would listen to my favorite christian songs, I felt that God was near, sending his peace through those melodies and words. What peace, POWER, and grace it brought me! What salvation it brought! 

The Lord is rejoicing over me....with singing! Wow. 

Here are A FEW of the songs I enjoyed, and empowered me through it all. Enjoy!

Strength Of My Life, Planetshakers

Oceans, Hillsong United

 

Freedom Is Here/ Shout Unto God, Hillsong United

Without You, David Guetta

With Everything, Hillsong United

Lord Of All, Jose Villanueva

Safe and Sound, Andi Tanabe

And for the hubby, I Love You More Today Than Yesterday, Bruno Mars

❤️

Intelligent

Why is it so hard for some people to say, "God"? How come some people feel awkward to mention the name, "Jesus"? If you call yourself a Christian, you shouldn't be ashamed of the name you are following. 

Please don't think, "Oh, another God-themed post."; "This blog should be about cancer." But look at my blog description, "Dealing with stage 4 breast cancer and living with Christ". 

I am able to deal with everything a cancer patient goes through because of Christ. He is always there to comfort me, and relieve my worries and fears. Often, when I'm in my irritable state, I'd feel Him say to me, "It's ok. I understand. I know your pain." Then, I wouldn't feel condemned or guilty for expressing my pain and complaints. 

His gentleness makes me whole. 

So why be ashamed to mention His name, or shout it out for everybody to know I am a follower of Christ?

Shouldn't I be so grateful and unashamed to thank Him publicly?

There are so many in our world, who consider themselves "intellectuals", who oftentimes criticize those who are open about their faith. They think of them as unthinking individuals, hypocrites, weak, and...wait for it.....crazy. 

Let me tell you this, Christians aren't perfect. We go to church and believe in Jesus to get fixed. We are a messed up, confused bunch who are looking for answers and help. 

But "intellectuals" believe they are doing so well in life, because they are smart and successful. They think they are better than everyone else. They don't say it, but they make the people around them feel it, with their sarcastic and mocking comments, lengthy lectures, and arrogant posture.

Little do they know that all those do not matter to God.

In the end, these individuals will be surprised that their achievements, intelligence, and pride won't matter; that something else is required of them; something more profound and real. 

Jesus.

   Stop fooling yourselves. If you count yourself above average in intelligence, as judged by this world’s standards, you had better put this all aside and be a fool rather than let it hold you back from the true wisdom from above. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As it says in the book of Job, God uses man’s own brilliance to trap him; he stumbles over his own “wisdom” and falls. 20 And again, in the book of Psalms, we are told that the Lord knows full well how the human mind reasons and how foolish and futile it is.

21 So don’t be proud of following the wise men of this world.[b] For God has already given you everything you need.

1 Corinthians 3 The Living Bible

Victorious

Please don't say, "She LOST her battle to cancer." , when a cancer patient dies. (I learned this from the TV series The Big C). She lost her battle for dying? We must be all losers then, because ALL OF US will face our Maker someday.

To me, a cancer patient's victory is that she has lived well despite the disease. I'd like to be said of me someday after many many years, "She won her battle because she lived well despite cancer."

I have heard of a woman who, after all her treatments and is now still living, stayed angry and bitter. To me, even though, she has survived cancer, she still lost the battle. 

I've had my moments. I would cry and get so irritated with all the procedures sometimes. I've been doing this for two years! But I am not angry or bitter.

I'm not saying I'm better. I am thankful for all my survivor friends who helped me cope. They have reminded me to hope, pray, have purpose, and simply enjoy life. 

I cannot even imagine going through this without family and friends! 

To see my family increase in love and see the character of my friends are victories for me. To feel peace despite THIS is another one. 

Truthfully, I don't feel like I am fighting any battle. I do what I need to do, but I will not insist on how I want this to end, just so I can be called a "winner". What feels right to me is to surrender and submit my situation to the One who never lost and will never ever lose in battles.

I remember Jesus, who in the beginning, looked like he was losing, but he rose and showed the world how to be truly victorious. 

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus....who, though he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights as God, but laid aside his mighty power and glory, taking the disguise of a slave and becoming like men. And he humbled himself even further, going so far as actually to die a criminal’s death on a cross. 9 Yet it was because of this that God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name which is above every other name.....

Wow, his ways are so different from our ways. To us, to be a winner means acting, looking, and sounding like it, and to actually gain something. To him, as shown in the verse, winning meant losing first, humility, and trusting God all the way.

To those who died of cancer and chose to live well; to those who are still in treatment and are constantly choosing to live truly (you may not handle things perfectly but....)you, we, are victorious!

                                   

Emotions, Thoughts, And Living More Deeply

I wrote,  "but I have yet to find that stable, immovable and unshakeable joy for this new life" in my last post, Panic Attacks,"  because I have to constantly, constantly, fight the so many emotions and thoughts that go with this condition. It has become even more clear to me what cancer does. It isn't pretty. It is not inspiring. It isn't chemo that's terrible. It's cancer! One can live through chemo. And I believe it helps. I can sleep better knowing I've taken my chemo meds. But cancer keeps me awake at night knowing that it kills. It is ugly. If you already have it, take courage, have hope. If not, good, but TAKE HEED! DO NOT IGNORE the reminders - stop smoking, eat your fruits and veggies, avoid stress and learn to relax, go to check-ups (don't be afraid of hospitals...they help.), and find better alternatives to your processed meat and sugar fix. (I don't know why I'm writing these in this post. It doesn't feel like it's connected to the title but I really really feel strongly about this.)

Truthfully, and deeply.......

JESUS IS MY IMMOVABLE JOY. He's the reason why I am still here; why I can still laugh and sleep soundly at night. He is my peace and hope. He is my LIFE. He is the reason why I am breathing. He is IN my spirit - the unshakeable part of me. Not in my mind and soul that gets influenced by what I see, hear, smell, and touch. If I just reach deep deep down inside, and not live by my mind or soul (thinking too much, feeling too much), I'd be living by my spirit that's been made new - that part where there is no fear, only faith - where Jesus permanently dwells. 

Psalm 86:11

Tell me where you want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite.......

(I told you, I've been pushed over the edge!)

There are so many things going on in my body, mind, and heart, that it's so easy to FORGET what I've already been given to make it through this challenge. 

But I do believe too, as long as you're not hurting anyone, it is GOOD to talk about unhealthy emotions and what is in your mind that steals your peace...sort of like removing the dross from gold when it reaches the surface. God did not create us to become robots. He created us with emotions. But the unhealthy ones like fear and discouragement need to show up to be removed....like dross from gold.

The "gold" says, "Do not fear. Take courage.", "Everything will be ok in the end."

Yeah, I gotta live more deeply. Lord, I take Your challenge.... by your grace. 

    

                       

A Good Day

First, I'd like to say that a good day to me is actually, great. Yesterday was one of those days. 

I was able to spend my Sunday like how it used to be: Church, lunch out, and a movie. Yes, it was like how it used to be, BUT with a lot more joy and appreciation. I was thankful that I was able to stand and worship God, and listen to a preaching about how glorious it's going to be when we finally see Jesus; that I was able to spend time with my husband and children, enjoy lunch and a movie with them. 
Before yesterday, I would usually just stay home when there's something the family wanted and needed to do, like doing groceries together, dental appointments, and movies. It was very rare that I'd go out...good thing it's not very hard for me to just stay home. I loved being home, but I missed being out with my family. 

I got to do that yesterday and it. Was. Good. It was great! Seeing Andi, my eldest, do her job as one of the worship leaders; see her grow in what God wants for her; see Toni grow up to be one fine lady; see how thoughtful and selfless she's becoming; see Joey smile and laugh because she's just having so much fun, and see my husband just relieved that I'm in a better state. I guess, everybody was having one fine day; a piece, a taste of heaven on earth.  

Hmmm.....and that's what I really want to talk about: the movie we watched, Heaven Is For Real.

I love that they didn't make it look or sound like they're preaching. I love that it was simply about life. 

I love that the actors made it look real. They showed genuine emotions for the situations they're in. They showed real living; dealing with bills, parenting, marriage, friendships, work; how living can be so confusing and painful at times, but in the midst of all the doubts, pain, and fear, people still hold on to their faith. 

I love that it boldly, but humbly talks about something that people usually avoid, death...heaven...Jesus. I guess we are at a time now, wherein so many of us recognize our great need of God. And we are not ashamed to admit and talk about it. That is definitely, good.

Loss is a part of life. What we need is to have that hope that it doesn't end here; that something beautiful awaits us, and the people we've lost aren't really gone but are living gloriously with our Lord. Isn't that amazing? I am thankful to be reminded of that once again through the movie. 

I love that in the end, there was a reminder that seeing the smile of a child, feeling the love of a mom or dad, are pieces of heaven on earth. We see those things and so, we believe that heaven is for real. 

Yesterday, as I was enjoying watching my family, I got a glimpse of heaven. This line became even more real to me, "...on earth as it is in heaven." 

Richard Glickstein talks about the power of prayer.

Christine Caine talks about the hope we can have if we believe.

Have a good day.....a great day, by being thankful for the simple things TODAY, and for the days to come!

No Fear

I'm in the middle of my second cycle of Xeloda, and it has been like a roller coaster ride. 

During the first cycle, I had some doubts about this new drug. I just came from a regimen that my oncologist had a lot of confidence in. She said Carboplatin works best for the triple negative type. She was so positive about it that I was already reading up on articles about life after cancer. On my seventh session, she saw that the cancer progressed which led to its discontinue and another major surgery. 

When I started with Xeloda, I felt a little improvement right away, but on my second week, I felt something that I believed was a progression. Even on my first check-up with my oncologist, she wasn't very positive, and we were already preparing to add Taxotere to my regimen. But during my one week break, the site of the skin mets began to dry up and decrease in size. Then I read about tumor flares as one of the side effects of chemotherapy. They eventually subside and you realize the chemo drug is actually working for you. 

My oncologist confirmed the improvement so we moved on to the next cycle. Now, I can only hope and pray that I am only experiencing another flare-up. I am looking forward to an improvement after I complete this second round. 

I am on a roller coaster ride, indeed, and it can get scary many times. 

Back in 1999, I had a dream about this intimidating ride. I am sure about the year because it was the time Doods had just left his corporate work so we could focus on our business. I thought it represented the fear and doubts that the transition brought, and maybe it did too. But, just the other day I was reminded of it again. I still remember the thought I had in that dream being in an unsecured and chilling ride. I thought,  "It's ok. As long as I have Jesus, I am safe." So now that I am once again at a scary point, I go back to those words. As long as I have Jesus, I am safe.