Not Easy

There is a modern day idol and its name is "Easy". We pursue it; crave it, and work so hard to get it. I am guilty of this sin.

Easy relationships. Easy access to information. Easy everything. 

Even though life is never simple, it is still something I dream of. It occupies my mind day and night to have a less burdensome life. I crave for it so much that I forget what I really should be thinking about: God and His purpose for my life. "Easy" becomes an idol, and I repent. 

If we think about it, there is nothing easy or simple in any of God's designs. 

Our body is an intricate set of wires, ligaments, muscles, bones and organs, and even unseen elements, tightly put together in a complicated manner forming beautiful works of art. 

Our world is composed of hills, mountains, valleys, deserts, rocks, sands, with creations such as plants and animals with different and complex behaviors and demanding needs, making up a vibrant, breathing, and amazing world. 

Our great men and women, if we watch and study their lives, didn't live easy lives. All had struggles, and went through pains. Many died for their beliefs. As innocent men and women, they were mocked, persecuted, hunted down, harassed, isolated, jailed, and even killed. My greatest example is Jesus, who, instead of coming as a prestigious king, came as a meek carpenter's son; SACRIFICED himself to die a criminal's death - far from an untroublesome life. 

So why do I still dream of an easy life? What I need to learn is ACCEPTANCE that this life is designed with twists and turns AND highs and lows. 

This song clearly says what needs to be done through all these complications, 

  Through Heaven's Eyes 

Prince of Egypt

A single thread in a tapestry

though its color brightly shines

can never see its purpose

in the pattern of the grand design

and the stone that sits up on the very top

of the mountain's mighty face

does it think that it's more important

than the stones that forms the base

So how can you see what your life is worth

or where your value lies

ohhhh, you can never see through the eyes of man

you must look at your life

look at your life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes

A lake of gold in the desert sand

is less than a cool fresh spring

and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy

is greater than the richest king

should a man lose everything he owns

has he truly lost his worth

or is it the beginning

of a new and brighter birth

So how do you measure the worth of a man

in wealth or strength or size

in how much he gained or how much he gave

the answer will come

the answer will come to him who tries

to look at his life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes

and that's why we share all we have with you

though there's little to be found

when all you've got is nothing

there's lots to go around

No life can escape being blown about

by the winds of change and chance

and though you never know all the steps

you must learn to join the dance

you must learn to join the dance

lai-la-lai

So how do you judge what a man is worth

By what he builds or buys

You can never see with your eyes on earth

Look through heaven's eyes(look at your life)

Look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes

You must learn to join the dance. 

I must learn to join the dance. 

What I need, and should DESIRE is to continually worship and honor Him during my struggles. Thank Him for all the pain. Trust and FOCUS on Him. It is ALL about Him because, simply put, He. Is. GOD. 

There can never be room in my mind for idols, including Easy. 

There was a pastor who told me and my husband once, "ENJOY this challenge." At that time, we thought that was impossible and crazy. Now, I am slowly getting it. 

Something great is going to come out of this cancer, whether I feel it or not. "Easy" would never produce that greatness. 

I am getting excited! 

Hebrews 12

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

An Update 1

So many things have happened before this post. Generally, the past few weeks, have been like what I would always say, a roller-coaster ride. There were bad days, but there were also good days. Oh how I savor the good days, like how I would with a plate of juicy and saucy baby-back ribs. 

This will be a recollection of what I've been going through before this. Hopefully, I can impart some lessons. 

I couldn't write because I had so many things in my mind to post that I couldn't decide on the topic. So I decided to just calm down and enjoy the pause. 

We attended to mostly my condition, changing my chemo drug for the fourth time, blood transfusions, injections to increase my red blood cells, observing some new lumps, dealing with self-esteem, got my hair shaved off, dealing with open wounds, three-day visit to the hospital consecutively, dealing with pain....pain, pain , pain.......emotions, emotions, emotions......a roller-coaster ride indeed. 

So I was not able to write. What I have been doing are these,

-I call them my "happy art" 

Art is very calming for me. It brought fun and calmness into my pain. It brought out the kid in me too, which I have not seen in a long time. Thanks to a friend, I didn't know was a friend.(Cancer leads you to meet wonderful people). 

-Bible reading. I have been in Proverbs 29 and Philippians. Now, I am in Colossians. These are some of the wise words I have seen, 

Proverbs 29:23, "A person’s pride brings him down, but one of humble spirit has a firm hold on honor and respect."

Philippians 3:7-12, "But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile—now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order that I can have Christ.....I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be."

Colossians 1:20-21 , "....through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. This includes you WHO WERE ONCE FAR AWAY from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself....."

-Home school. To be with my girls, and see how joyful, sensitive, and caring they've become gives joy to my heart. This relieves my pain too. It makes me forget about cancer. Home school gives me purpose, to  be hands-on with their education, to not just be concerned with the academics but more so, the building up of their character. I agree, academics are highly important. With the one-on-one lectures with their tutor and myself, my girls do understand concepts better. I learned that education, in its truest sense, is the building up of the mind, heart, and spirit. (Now I wish we have photos of our homeschool sessions.)

-Selfies. Please don't hate me for this. I know some, maybe many, associate this with mental disorder, and so many other negative things, and I agree, there are so many selfies that should remain private, or should not even have happened! But, hey, I was just having fun. I'm stuck at home, and I used to work as a photographer, hence, the self-portraits, aka, selfies. Plus I enjoy my photo apps so much. Good excuse? Here's my latest selfie....haha

-Lastly, (but not the LEASTLY...just a side joke that's obviously corny) my relationship with Doods gets tested......and strengthened. I won't elaborate on this, but I'll say this, we won it. In Jesus' name, we got the victory! We are sweeter and STRONGER together than ever. 

Blessings to all, in the name of my Savior, Jesus, amen. 

Pain

This is something that I never wanted to talk about. I wanted to focus on the joys despite this. But pain is a part of life that cannot be ignored. 

Two days ago was the worst for me. The neck, back and chest aches made every move difficult. It was so painful, I was sobbing, groaning and saying things I would have never said even on a not-so-good day. 

I'd like to believe they are only tumor flares. But there are new lumps that I could feel. However, there are parts that are drying up. I guess that's what "keeping it stable" (Stable Is Good) looks like.

Chemo has been delayed for almost two weeks. And we are really hoping and praying that the cancer doesn't gain any ground. My rbc has been so low, at 6 initially, then for my last check-up, it was 7.8. It has to be at a 9, for chemo to be effective. 

So I have been dealing with some pains. All of us have this. It can be emotional, physical, or mental pain. I guess this is the part where I'm saying, don't pity me. 

Compassion, concern, support are good but not pity. I try my very best to think that my situation isn't a special case. I am aware that all of us have our own burdens to carry. I may not know all the stories of my friends, but I know, as a part of this imperfect life, we all have our pains. It may differ in intensity, but all of us are going through something. 

I am not exempt from showing compassion or concern for someone. 

I think that's one great way in dealing with my pain. Look beyond what I'm going through. Think of others and do whatever I can to help. 

The time that I was such in pain, I took three types of pain drugs, Dolcet, Lyrica, and Tramal. None of it worked!

The only time I got to sleep was when I prayed. True! I said, "Lord, let peace reign in my body. Help me sleep for you give proper rest to your children...."

And then I slept and felt a little more comfortable the next day.

The secret in dealing with pain is, God. He is the source of healing, comfort and relief. 

Right now, though I am still feeling some things, I am more comfortable. The thing about pain is it doesn't stay. We can always have hope that it will be over. We can always believe that God lets us experience it for good reasons. That is my faith. I am not letting go of it for some silly aches. 

Hello Injections

"The little foxes are ruining the vineyards..." from the Song of Solomon, is the verse I'd use to describe the injections I get regularly. They are those little irritants that could possibly ruin my determination to survive this whole thing with cancer. 

I have probably gotten hundreds of them already, for blood tests, scans, chemo infusions, and the other procedures needed. It is a lot easier now than when I just started with my treatments. 

I now get blood drawn from my left foot for my regular blood tests because of the mastectomies I got for both sides to avoid complications. It isn't as painful as the doctors and nurses described it to be. I still ask them to count though, so I can prepare myself and inhale to make the procedure more tolerable. I still hold Doods' hand to gather strength and courage. 

I used to hate injections, and dreaded it so much. I never thought I'd be spending my life, at present, dealing with it on a regular basis.

                       

There were nurses in the past that gave me such a hard time. 
There was one, to cover up her incompetence most likely, who said right away that it was going to be hard since I already had chemo. She quickly assumed my veins had already collapsed. Because of her negativity and fear probably, she pricked me several times but still wasn't able to access any vein - one of those hospital visits that I wanted to punch someone in the face. She quickly blamed my treatments when I never had any problems with injections before. She had to call a more competent nurse eventually. This second nurse didn't have any problem with the procedure at all.

Another one, a nurse who's overconfident, quickly pricked me without doing the usual tapping to get the veins out. When she couldn't access, she imagined that I kept moving. I couldn't tell her, "I've done this a million times. I am already used to staying still...." Doods could only give her his blazing look. Again, somebody else had to replace her to access a vein. 

I am so grateful that in Cardinal Santos, and this isn't an advertisement, the nurses I've encountered there are all well-trained. I never had any problems with any of my injections there. Even with my chemo infusion through a port, when I felt getting stabbed before, it wasn't much of a problem there. 
Nurse Veejay....I have to mention her name 'cause I'm so grateful for her.....made it so easy for me. She did it with such precision and quickness that I didn't feel any pain. 

Why am I writing about this? 

My seemingly insignificant experiences with injections are a big part of my life now that it matters. It takes strength and grace from above to find the positive in something that causes me pain. It really is nothing compared to refusing to deal with cancer and just letting it take over my body. 

It has become easier for me as well to comfort my daughters when they  are facing something terrifying. I tell them, "It's ok. This is nothing. You are strong. You can do this."