Intelligent

Why is it so hard for some people to say, "God"? How come some people feel awkward to mention the name, "Jesus"? If you call yourself a Christian, you shouldn't be ashamed of the name you are following. 

Please don't think, "Oh, another God-themed post."; "This blog should be about cancer." But look at my blog description, "Dealing with stage 4 breast cancer and living with Christ". 

I am able to deal with everything a cancer patient goes through because of Christ. He is always there to comfort me, and relieve my worries and fears. Often, when I'm in my irritable state, I'd feel Him say to me, "It's ok. I understand. I know your pain." Then, I wouldn't feel condemned or guilty for expressing my pain and complaints. 

His gentleness makes me whole. 

So why be ashamed to mention His name, or shout it out for everybody to know I am a follower of Christ?

Shouldn't I be so grateful and unashamed to thank Him publicly?

There are so many in our world, who consider themselves "intellectuals", who oftentimes criticize those who are open about their faith. They think of them as unthinking individuals, hypocrites, weak, and...wait for it.....crazy. 

Let me tell you this, Christians aren't perfect. We go to church and believe in Jesus to get fixed. We are a messed up, confused bunch who are looking for answers and help. 

But "intellectuals" believe they are doing so well in life, because they are smart and successful. They think they are better than everyone else. They don't say it, but they make the people around them feel it, with their sarcastic and mocking comments, lengthy lectures, and arrogant posture.

Little do they know that all those do not matter to God.

In the end, these individuals will be surprised that their achievements, intelligence, and pride won't matter; that something else is required of them; something more profound and real. 

Jesus.

   Stop fooling yourselves. If you count yourself above average in intelligence, as judged by this world’s standards, you had better put this all aside and be a fool rather than let it hold you back from the true wisdom from above. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As it says in the book of Job, God uses man’s own brilliance to trap him; he stumbles over his own “wisdom” and falls. 20 And again, in the book of Psalms, we are told that the Lord knows full well how the human mind reasons and how foolish and futile it is.

21 So don’t be proud of following the wise men of this world.[b] For God has already given you everything you need.

1 Corinthians 3 The Living Bible

Home

For  three  days, I was down again. It was mainly because of the mouth sores and the metallic taste that developed, and the feeling that even I couldn't understand. I was restless, emotional, and just plainly feeling sick.

I could not eat properly since Sunday. I would take one bite or two, then I was done, while my stomach's rebelling, and growling. I could eat soup much easily but, c'mon a carnivore turned into an "ewan"  vegetarian needs her solids! On Tuesday, I already broke down, crying out, "I'm hungry! I'm so hungry!"

Imagine a 41-year old woman doing that. Dealing with the other chemo side effects, nausea, weakness, decrease in hemoglobin and white blood cells, my food consumption situation didn't help at all. 

My temperature was unstable as well. It was ranging from 37.9 to 38.5. My doctor already told me and Doods to go to the emergency room. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my doctor. She's soft-spoken (unlike me), so she calms me down. She knows what she's doing and I feel safe with her. But her last text to us was already a bit angry, "I've already advised you to go to the hospital so I can check you." I understand, from her point of view, that's what we needed to do. 

But I know myself and my body. 

With all these side effects and I get brought to a room where there may be panic, or more blood, or nurses constantly asking me questions, I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

The hospital's crazy cold temperature wouldn't help me as well. You see, I was made for warmth. Haha. 

And I love being home. I love the warmth in our home, seeing my girls, cuddling with Doods. Home is healing to me.

I was taken care of at home by my amazing nurse husband. It's taking a bit longer to get back on my feet, but we see progress. I knew in my gut that what I needed to do was rest and EAT. And that can be done in my own sweet and loving home.

Yesterday, I ate a lot better - sweet and sour lapu-lapu for lunch, and tinola for dinner. Ginger does cut through the metallic taste. 

It is good to know yourself and stand by what you believe in. And if my decision gets me in trouble, at least, it is my choice.

Starting this new chemo medicine, Doods and I set in our hearts that we will refuse to be driven by fear. It will just be too much to do everything other people say, and believe me, we get a lot advice, comments, and information, that it can get overwhelming and confusing sometimes. 

We have to choose our battles. We have to know when to go and when to stop. This is something we didn't have during our first year after diagnosis. We just went with the flow. We did everything our doctors said. At that time, we were stronger and had our resources.

Now, we have to be wiser, not be driven by fear, and realize that simple things can also give us comfort, relief, and healing, like home.

Goodbye mess! I'm feeling better today. 

                                                

Victorious

Please don't say, "She LOST her battle to cancer." , when a cancer patient dies. (I learned this from the TV series The Big C). She lost her battle for dying? We must be all losers then, because ALL OF US will face our Maker someday.

To me, a cancer patient's victory is that she has lived well despite the disease. I'd like to be said of me someday after many many years, "She won her battle because she lived well despite cancer."

I have heard of a woman who, after all her treatments and is now still living, stayed angry and bitter. To me, even though, she has survived cancer, she still lost the battle. 

I've had my moments. I would cry and get so irritated with all the procedures sometimes. I've been doing this for two years! But I am not angry or bitter.

I'm not saying I'm better. I am thankful for all my survivor friends who helped me cope. They have reminded me to hope, pray, have purpose, and simply enjoy life. 

I cannot even imagine going through this without family and friends! 

To see my family increase in love and see the character of my friends are victories for me. To feel peace despite THIS is another one. 

Truthfully, I don't feel like I am fighting any battle. I do what I need to do, but I will not insist on how I want this to end, just so I can be called a "winner". What feels right to me is to surrender and submit my situation to the One who never lost and will never ever lose in battles.

I remember Jesus, who in the beginning, looked like he was losing, but he rose and showed the world how to be truly victorious. 

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus....who, though he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights as God, but laid aside his mighty power and glory, taking the disguise of a slave and becoming like men. And he humbled himself even further, going so far as actually to die a criminal’s death on a cross. 9 Yet it was because of this that God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name which is above every other name.....

Wow, his ways are so different from our ways. To us, to be a winner means acting, looking, and sounding like it, and to actually gain something. To him, as shown in the verse, winning meant losing first, humility, and trusting God all the way.

To those who died of cancer and chose to live well; to those who are still in treatment and are constantly choosing to live truly (you may not handle things perfectly but....)you, we, are victorious!

                                   

Emotions, Thoughts, And Living More Deeply

I wrote,  "but I have yet to find that stable, immovable and unshakeable joy for this new life" in my last post, Panic Attacks,"  because I have to constantly, constantly, fight the so many emotions and thoughts that go with this condition. It has become even more clear to me what cancer does. It isn't pretty. It is not inspiring. It isn't chemo that's terrible. It's cancer! One can live through chemo. And I believe it helps. I can sleep better knowing I've taken my chemo meds. But cancer keeps me awake at night knowing that it kills. It is ugly. If you already have it, take courage, have hope. If not, good, but TAKE HEED! DO NOT IGNORE the reminders - stop smoking, eat your fruits and veggies, avoid stress and learn to relax, go to check-ups (don't be afraid of hospitals...they help.), and find better alternatives to your processed meat and sugar fix. (I don't know why I'm writing these in this post. It doesn't feel like it's connected to the title but I really really feel strongly about this.)

Truthfully, and deeply.......

JESUS IS MY IMMOVABLE JOY. He's the reason why I am still here; why I can still laugh and sleep soundly at night. He is my peace and hope. He is my LIFE. He is the reason why I am breathing. He is IN my spirit - the unshakeable part of me. Not in my mind and soul that gets influenced by what I see, hear, smell, and touch. If I just reach deep deep down inside, and not live by my mind or soul (thinking too much, feeling too much), I'd be living by my spirit that's been made new - that part where there is no fear, only faith - where Jesus permanently dwells. 

Psalm 86:11

Tell me where you want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite.......

(I told you, I've been pushed over the edge!)

There are so many things going on in my body, mind, and heart, that it's so easy to FORGET what I've already been given to make it through this challenge. 

But I do believe too, as long as you're not hurting anyone, it is GOOD to talk about unhealthy emotions and what is in your mind that steals your peace...sort of like removing the dross from gold when it reaches the surface. God did not create us to become robots. He created us with emotions. But the unhealthy ones like fear and discouragement need to show up to be removed....like dross from gold.

The "gold" says, "Do not fear. Take courage.", "Everything will be ok in the end."

Yeah, I gotta live more deeply. Lord, I take Your challenge.... by your grace. 

    

                       

Panic Attacks

I am writing again! That means I'm feeling better. Yay!

I'm here to talk about the panic attacks I've been having during injections. It's hard to understand because I've been doing this for two years. 

Maybe because of the Eposino that I was taking THREE TIMES A WEEK. The fluid was so thick that it stung so hard! But even for the blood tests, I've been having the same panic attacks. During injections, Doods and the nurses would try 6 and maybe up to ten times to get the work done, but I was crying and shaking and just so scared of the needles.

It's sad because I got a phrase during my first year in order to keep myself confident and brave, "a puff of smoke", and it did help a lot. It just goes to show that we have to have fresh revelations everyday to keep going and keep our spirits up. 

It's just hard to think that what I'm going through now is a puff of smoke. Maybe that is also one reason for the high emotions. After the second diagnosis, life has been like a gigantic and ultra-scary roller coaster. 

I am tired of injections, check-ups, and being always afraid. 

I am still adjusting to this new norm. I work on being happy, hopeful and calm....but I have yet to find that stable, immovable and unshakeable joy for this new life. 

Obviously, I do not dwell on anxiety and discouragement but they're kind of always at the background of things, trying to eat away my hope. But, "Thank you, Lord!", and "Thanks, Doods!" for always picking me up. 

Is there anything you can tell me? Please inspire me to not have those panic attacks anymore.

                                              

Forgiveness

The other day, I achieved a personal victory. Now I am finally able to talk about forgiveness. I wasn't able to in the past because I wasn't really sure if I've TRULY forgiven the people who hurt me. 

Considering my condition, I can't help but do a heart check from time to time. Then, a realization came. Jesus CHOSE to forgive while he was still on the cross.

While men were mocking him; while he was in extreme pain and dying; while people doubted him and refused to understand him, rejected, betrayed, isolated.....He still said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

Pain in his heart and body didn't stop him from doing the right thing. He was so humble and obedient. My work now is to follow in his footsteps; to be more confident of my decision to forgive regardless of the pain and hurtful memories that are still in my mind and heart.

TRUE forgiveness heals us. As we decide and keep our motivation to do THE RIGHT THING, God blesses us with peace and joy. As we choose them daily, our hearts become freer and freer.

As for those who have hurt us, God truly and definitely still loves them (which I had a hard time understanding before). Jesus also died and was raised for them. Though they might face the consequences of their hurtful actions and words, God still has plans for them. It is UP TO HIM to judge them. 

Just like them, I, too, will be judged. Just like them, I, too, will be expectant of his promise of mercy and kindness.

Pain

This is something that I never wanted to talk about. I wanted to focus on the joys despite this. But pain is a part of life that cannot be ignored. 

Two days ago was the worst for me. The neck, back and chest aches made every move difficult. It was so painful, I was sobbing, groaning and saying things I would have never said even on a not-so-good day. 

I'd like to believe they are only tumor flares. But there are new lumps that I could feel. However, there are parts that are drying up. I guess that's what "keeping it stable" (Stable Is Good) looks like.

Chemo has been delayed for almost two weeks. And we are really hoping and praying that the cancer doesn't gain any ground. My rbc has been so low, at 6 initially, then for my last check-up, it was 7.8. It has to be at a 9, for chemo to be effective. 

So I have been dealing with some pains. All of us have this. It can be emotional, physical, or mental pain. I guess this is the part where I'm saying, don't pity me. 

Compassion, concern, support are good but not pity. I try my very best to think that my situation isn't a special case. I am aware that all of us have our own burdens to carry. I may not know all the stories of my friends, but I know, as a part of this imperfect life, we all have our pains. It may differ in intensity, but all of us are going through something. 

I am not exempt from showing compassion or concern for someone. 

I think that's one great way in dealing with my pain. Look beyond what I'm going through. Think of others and do whatever I can to help. 

The time that I was such in pain, I took three types of pain drugs, Dolcet, Lyrica, and Tramal. None of it worked!

The only time I got to sleep was when I prayed. True! I said, "Lord, let peace reign in my body. Help me sleep for you give proper rest to your children...."

And then I slept and felt a little more comfortable the next day.

The secret in dealing with pain is, God. He is the source of healing, comfort and relief. 

Right now, though I am still feeling some things, I am more comfortable. The thing about pain is it doesn't stay. We can always have hope that it will be over. We can always believe that God lets us experience it for good reasons. That is my faith. I am not letting go of it for some silly aches.