Music 2

Music to me these days isn't just for enjoyment. It is a weapon to fight against discouragement, fear, anxiety, and unbelief. 

Psalm 118:14-16 says it best, "He is my strength and SONG in the heat of battle, and now he has given me the victory. 15-16 Songs of joy at the news of our rescue are sung in the homes of the godly."

Cancer is an enemy that can easily bring one to a place of misery and defeat. It is vicious and merciless. It may take me away from the people I love, but while I am still here, I won't let it break my heart and steal my enthusiasm for life. 

These songs remind me that there is hope; that Jesus gives me a way of escape from all my troubles.  

I hope you listen to these songs and let them propel you to a life of knowing His love and the victory you have in Him.

Enjoy! 

In The Name Of Jesus by Darlene Zschech

Our God by Chris Tomlin

I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin

How He Loves by David Crowder

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin

                         Psalm 42:8

Yet day by day the Lord also pours out his steadfast love upon me, and through the night I sing his songs and pray to God who gives me life.

Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

New Year

I entered the new year with my heart.

That means, I wasn't able to get out of bed (not a lot of physical activities, but a lot of good feelings and thoughts). It was the second day after chemo, and I was dealing with its side effects. 

We made sure we had good food, sparklers, a good movie to watch, and good words for each other. Most importantly, we made sure to pray. There is nothing like entering the new year with Someone who can love us perfectly. And there is nothing like the love of Jesus. 

I kept telling my family I love them, and whenever they entered the room, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful they all were, and I made sure they knew it. I am thankful that we were able to still build good memories in spite of how I was feeling. 

I am thankful for my husband and girls who went to the grocery store, cooked, and made sure to make our dining table attractive by serving delicious food: lasagna, prawns in chili and garlic, apple pie....and our Tita who lives next door, giving us barbecue and lumpiang shanghai, plus fruit salad. Oh how we love to eat! 

We wrote our new year resolutions in my homemade cards and put them in our tiny christmas tree;  

my husband and youngest daughter went out at twelve midnight to watch the fireworks and to light up her sparklers.

 

 

My two big girls spent time with me in the room, and played the movie, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. We thought it was fitting because of Electro who sparkled the city. I was in bed, spending quality time with the people I love, munching on chocolate-covered raisins. Hmmmm, yeah, new year's eve was good. God was good, and still is, and will be for the rest of the year. 

Happy 2015 everyone! 

Path of Hope

There is something baffling about a co-fighter's passing. 

Yesterday, when a friend whose cancer type was the same as mine, died, I felt lost. While I was sad for her and those she left behind, I was scared for myself. For over a year, we would compare notes as we had the same breast cancer type, first oncologist, chemo meds....she was like a companion whose presence gave me an assurance that I was going to be ok. 

For a time, it seemed like having breast cancer at stage 4 and thriving is starting to become a norm with all the improvements in the areas of medicine and technology, and with all the support groups that are readily available for those suffering the disease. 

When I heard about her, I cried. I thought of all our conversations: how we were both so positive, those numerous times she would remind me she was always praying for me, how happy she was with her doctor, but anxious at the same time for all the tests, scans and injections. I thought of her girls whom she loved dearly: how she would still be present for their school events, her motherly and proud smile as she raved about their antics and talents. I could tell, despite cancer, she was full of life. 

I thought deeply once again about this illness: how nothing in this predicament is certain. You can be full of life and positivity one day, and be down the next. You only do your best. You rely on the Giver of life. You pray, and trust. You only choose to continue in hope.

As my friend moved on to her new and pain-free path, I continue with mine. Even though I will still meet many challenges, and experience some pain, I know that the path God has for me is unique just like everyone else's, with or without cancer. I am eager, nervous, and thrilled to see God's plan unfold before my very eyes. No fear, only trust.

(Please pray for the family of Patty Buencamino Balquiedra, her two daughters, Anissa and Sabine, and husband, Neal Narvaez.)

Ugly

Seeing the effects of this cancer on my body has left me with a continuous fight to regain my self-esteem and how I look at myself. 

It may sound shallow to some, but who in the world would totally feel ok with what I'm going through now? The thought of going bald frightened me, moreso, getting a mastectomy. 

I would sometimes ask my husband if he's still attracted to me (silly question), and he would always assure me of his love and commitment whatever happens. I agree, this sickness has made me say some crazy things. 

I've realized how much my appearance mattered to me, and it is an ugly awakening. I am seeing how vain and shallow I can be. The lesson is when your perception of beauty fades, what are you left with?

I have the love and constant encouragement of my husband, the love of my children, like nothing has changed, the support of my friends, and the faithfulness of God, in always making me whole despite all my imperfections. 

I've become aware of other things I can do too, instead of letting so many outward stuff occupy my time. It is stressful to try to make everything look perfect: my appearance, children, husband, home, and the circumstances around me. For what? For my own satisfaction? And pride?

What valuable lessons this "ugliness" is teaching me!

This is what's beautiful: that I am maturing and learning, seeing the goodness of the people around me, and keeping this in mind,

30 

Charm can be deceiving,

    and beauty fades away,

but a woman

who honors the Lord

    deserves to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30 

Hope

Please don't get me wrong. My last post, Differently Positive, doesn't mean I'm losing hope. Learning from my experience with the death of my mom, which I was totally unprepared for, I am just constantly making myself ready for other possibilities, like...hmmm....death. 

I do think of death, but I think of LIFE more.

As long as there's still something we can do, we're not going to stop. We are far from giving up. 

I still dream of seeing my girls finish school, be successful in their chosen fields, get married, and have kids. I dream of being a grandma, seeing my grandchildren's smiles and chubby cheeks, smelling their breath and pinching their noses. 

I still look forward to spending more great years with my husband; getting teary-eyed with him during our daughters' graduations and weddings, and seeing his handsome grandpa face. 

I wish to be given a chance to take care of him.

I pray hard for these things. 

I wish that someday I'll be totally free from this sickness. Oh, how I long to be free from pain!

No, I am not losing hope. It is what keeps me alive, keeping me motivated to do what I am meant to do. It is what still enables me to laugh in a place of sorrows; stay strong at a time of weakness, and try to be a blessing to others at a time of great need. 

These are a few things that keep me going: celebrations, rest, and Mr. Froggy. I'll explain why.

Celebrations do not only mean a huge amount of food and chit chats. It is a great way to show love and appreciation to our loved ones. That is the most important thing. 

Who knows how many more birthdays and other celebrations I'll be in? And this is true for anyone. Making it extra special and memorable is something I am urged to do.

Recently, we organized a simple birthday party for our youngest. She requested for a camping themed party. We had homemade decorations, a simple spread of food, and a few invited guests. My 11-year old had a blast! Why? Because she felt loved. 

We were never into fancy celebrations. First, our budget doesn't allow it, which turns out to be a blessing. There is nothing like a fun and intimate gathering of family and friends. Focusing on what is most important is what matters.

Rest, clearly, helps me gather strength. I savor it! I think it's underrated. People think they're being lazy when they rest. That was so true for me before my diagnosis. But it is so essential to living. God gives proper rest to His children, it says in the bible. 

Here's a piece of advice: enjoy the comfort of your bed, eat a yummy snack, watch a movie, read a good book, or do art. Breathe deeply. Do some stretches. Get a massage. Sleep! Most importantly, have a relaxing, intimate talk with loved ones. 

Love your body and give it what it craves for: rest. 

"Mr. Froggy" represents the wackiness in my life. Where would I be without humor? It may sound redundant from me, but, it's so true, and it is worth repeating. Humor, or wackiness, gets me through days of turmoil. It pushes worry and fear away. Doesn't it feel good to laugh? There is nothing wrong with being silly sometimes. 

Psalm 42:4Living Bible (TLB)

4-5 Take courage, my soul.......Why then be downcast? Why be discouraged and sad? Hope in God! I shall yet praise him again. Yes, I shall again praise him for his help.[a]

Differently Positive

I was initially thinking of two other posts entitled "Celebrations, Rest, and Mr. Froggy", which, hopefully, would be a bit humorous, and showing a lot of positivity. The other post, "Ugly", would talk about my struggles concerning self-esteem, and how I am overcoming it through the word of God and my husband's encouragement - another "positive" post. Maybe, I will still post something under those titles, but after today's disappointment because of my hemoglobin being low, which means no chemo, I'd like to go another direction and not force myself to be upbeat. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, I am after all still human. I am often urged to be positive and fight, which is totally good, but right now, I feel like just letting things be. 

Every time my husband changes my bandages, we see new tumors growing and it's so easy to get discouraged and give up. At times, I would see my husband's face, and it isn't a look of gladness but of worry, which could easily scare me. However, I was reminded to look beyond the physical and seek the reason why this illness is being allowed to happen in spite of all our prayers and efforts. 

There is something deeper than just being well. These verses sum it all up, 

2 Corinthians 12:7 
I will say this: because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me and prick my pride. 8 Three different times I begged God to make me well again.

9 Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities.10 Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.

This post may not leave a positive note to some but this ongoing struggle is giving me more clarity as to how I should live my life. 

This cancer, with all its ugliness and pain, will not stop me from living my life to the fullest. 

What is this flesh worth anyway knowing it is bound to decay and die? We spend so much on beautifying, pampering, and enriching this flesh, when that is not the point of living. We pay so much attention on our life here on earth that we forget eternity. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working on being healthy but, what is most important, I am learning, is to prepare for heaven, our real home. 

It is for God to decide to give me my physical healing. If He decides otherwise, and He has all the right to, it is still well and good, because when I'm in heaven, I'll be perfect. 

Now, isn't that the most positive thing?