My Cancer Journey

It has been two years of trying to stay alive. With five surgeries, three regimens of chemotherapy, radiation and stem cell treatment, I've had moments of hopelessness. 

I had enough courage one day and asked my oncologist how long I still have without treatment. She said very gently, "books say, four months."

It isn't those words that break me though. It is to feel at times that I am alone. I understand that those who love me and my main caregiver (my husband) get tired at times. Of course, why wouldn't they? Why wouldn't he? 

I remember the time when I was witnessing my mom battle lung cancer. There was one point when I broke down in her presence and said, "The medicines don't seem to work! We pray and pray, but nothing works!" What a brat! What selfishness! 

It was hard to watch her. It must be hard for my family to watch me. I always lose it when I think of my girls. 

But I am not going on without treatment. Right now, I am on Xeloda. Considering the aggressiveness of the disease, how it progressed even with an aggressive regimen, my doctor and I came up with a strategy to ease up on our attack and try to not totally eliminate it but to make it into a stable disease. That is our hope. If it still progresses, we will be adding Taxotere to my regimen. My oncologist said combining those two drugs, Xeloda and Taxotere, has the highest rate of success. It is a very aggressive strategy though. If my tumors react differently, we don't want those cancer cells to get so threatened that they attack me mercilessly. 

I am hoping for the best. Yes, I am not going on without treatment, and I have my faith.

Even though I feel alone at times, I know I am not. 

Living with abC

What's a woman with metastatic breast cancer to do? 

Two days ago, I was very emotional, feeling frustrated that I couldn't do much. I used to do a lot of work as a businesswoman, photographer and homeschooling mom. I never wanted to be unproductive. I believed in making use of my time wisely by doing meaningful work, and still do.

Because of the the double mastectomy I have gotten in a span of two years, both my arms have been weaker, and with the constant heaviness and tingling sensation on my right chest due to skin metastasis, staying in bed is the way to get relief, even with the pain drugs that I am taking. 

So to answer my intro question, what am I to do? Start a blog.....

Maybe, that is the message...that I cease, not from work, but from the pressures and stresses I had in my life; to see the value and appreciate being still and quiet; to do only the few things God wants me to do, and let everything else grow dim....

As if there isn't any stress attached to cancer! But let me say this, this sickness, though it's a frightening event in my life, has also been enlightening. There has been a lot of opportunities to rest, think, learn, prioritize, and enjoy the love of family and friends. Cancer is such a spoiler at times that some have not hesitated to be cruel both to me and my family, saying things such as, "Cancer is not an excuse to get angry and frustrated...." Obviously, they have not had to deal with what we're dealing with. Good for them. But more of that in another post, on dealing with people's judgments. Yup, there is that too. We have met the kindest of people in this journey but have also encountered the most cruel. What lessons that is bringing into our lives! 

In this blog, I will talk about my journey with the C, cancer, and the big C, Christ, and the ABC's of life, which cancer has been forcibly teaching me, beating down into my head, and thrusting into my heart....cancer is like the thorn Paul talks about in the bible. God refused to remove it because He wants Paul to experience His abundant grace, saying, "My strength is made perfect in weakness."

I say the same thing one cancer patient blogger wrote, "I don't claim to be an expert in anything, but I am an expert patient." This will be a recollection of my experiences; my pains and joys; the things I've learned and my numerous questions along the way. If there is one thing that has remained, it would be the ability to communicate. Right now, there are still a lot of words. Hence, the blog.

I still have my mind, heart and hands....there is still a lot of life in me; there are still a lot to be said and done. There is no reason to feel useless nor worthless. Thank you, Lord.