Panic Attacks

I am writing again! That means I'm feeling better. Yay!

I'm here to talk about the panic attacks I've been having during injections. It's hard to understand because I've been doing this for two years. 

Maybe because of the Eposino that I was taking THREE TIMES A WEEK. The fluid was so thick that it stung so hard! But even for the blood tests, I've been having the same panic attacks. During injections, Doods and the nurses would try 6 and maybe up to ten times to get the work done, but I was crying and shaking and just so scared of the needles.

It's sad because I got a phrase during my first year in order to keep myself confident and brave, "a puff of smoke", and it did help a lot. It just goes to show that we have to have fresh revelations everyday to keep going and keep our spirits up. 

It's just hard to think that what I'm going through now is a puff of smoke. Maybe that is also one reason for the high emotions. After the second diagnosis, life has been like a gigantic and ultra-scary roller coaster. 

I am tired of injections, check-ups, and being always afraid. 

I am still adjusting to this new norm. I work on being happy, hopeful and calm....but I have yet to find that stable, immovable and unshakeable joy for this new life. 

Obviously, I do not dwell on anxiety and discouragement but they're kind of always at the background of things, trying to eat away my hope. But, "Thank you, Lord!", and "Thanks, Doods!" for always picking me up. 

Is there anything you can tell me? Please inspire me to not have those panic attacks anymore.

                                              

Forgiveness

The other day, I achieved a personal victory. Now I am finally able to talk about forgiveness. I wasn't able to in the past because I wasn't really sure if I've TRULY forgiven the people who hurt me. 

Considering my condition, I can't help but do a heart check from time to time. Then, a realization came. Jesus CHOSE to forgive while he was still on the cross.

While men were mocking him; while he was in extreme pain and dying; while people doubted him and refused to understand him, rejected, betrayed, isolated.....He still said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

Pain in his heart and body didn't stop him from doing the right thing. He was so humble and obedient. My work now is to follow in his footsteps; to be more confident of my decision to forgive regardless of the pain and hurtful memories that are still in my mind and heart.

TRUE forgiveness heals us. As we decide and keep our motivation to do THE RIGHT THING, God blesses us with peace and joy. As we choose them daily, our hearts become freer and freer.

As for those who have hurt us, God truly and definitely still loves them (which I had a hard time understanding before). Jesus also died and was raised for them. Though they might face the consequences of their hurtful actions and words, God still has plans for them. It is UP TO HIM to judge them. 

Just like them, I, too, will be judged. Just like them, I, too, will be expectant of his promise of mercy and kindness.