Home

For  three  days, I was down again. It was mainly because of the mouth sores and the metallic taste that developed, and the feeling that even I couldn't understand. I was restless, emotional, and just plainly feeling sick.

I could not eat properly since Sunday. I would take one bite or two, then I was done, while my stomach's rebelling, and growling. I could eat soup much easily but, c'mon a carnivore turned into an "ewan"  vegetarian needs her solids! On Tuesday, I already broke down, crying out, "I'm hungry! I'm so hungry!"

Imagine a 41-year old woman doing that. Dealing with the other chemo side effects, nausea, weakness, decrease in hemoglobin and white blood cells, my food consumption situation didn't help at all. 

My temperature was unstable as well. It was ranging from 37.9 to 38.5. My doctor already told me and Doods to go to the emergency room. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my doctor. She's soft-spoken (unlike me), so she calms me down. She knows what she's doing and I feel safe with her. But her last text to us was already a bit angry, "I've already advised you to go to the hospital so I can check you." I understand, from her point of view, that's what we needed to do. 

But I know myself and my body. 

With all these side effects and I get brought to a room where there may be panic, or more blood, or nurses constantly asking me questions, I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

The hospital's crazy cold temperature wouldn't help me as well. You see, I was made for warmth. Haha. 

And I love being home. I love the warmth in our home, seeing my girls, cuddling with Doods. Home is healing to me.

I was taken care of at home by my amazing nurse husband. It's taking a bit longer to get back on my feet, but we see progress. I knew in my gut that what I needed to do was rest and EAT. And that can be done in my own sweet and loving home.

Yesterday, I ate a lot better - sweet and sour lapu-lapu for lunch, and tinola for dinner. Ginger does cut through the metallic taste. 

It is good to know yourself and stand by what you believe in. And if my decision gets me in trouble, at least, it is my choice.

Starting this new chemo medicine, Doods and I set in our hearts that we will refuse to be driven by fear. It will just be too much to do everything other people say, and believe me, we get a lot advice, comments, and information, that it can get overwhelming and confusing sometimes. 

We have to choose our battles. We have to know when to go and when to stop. This is something we didn't have during our first year after diagnosis. We just went with the flow. We did everything our doctors said. At that time, we were stronger and had our resources.

Now, we have to be wiser, not be driven by fear, and realize that simple things can also give us comfort, relief, and healing, like home.

Goodbye mess! I'm feeling better today. 

                                                

Victorious

Please don't say, "She LOST her battle to cancer." , when a cancer patient dies. (I learned this from the TV series The Big C). She lost her battle for dying? We must be all losers then, because ALL OF US will face our Maker someday.

To me, a cancer patient's victory is that she has lived well despite the disease. I'd like to be said of me someday after many many years, "She won her battle because she lived well despite cancer."

I have heard of a woman who, after all her treatments and is now still living, stayed angry and bitter. To me, even though, she has survived cancer, she still lost the battle. 

I've had my moments. I would cry and get so irritated with all the procedures sometimes. I've been doing this for two years! But I am not angry or bitter.

I'm not saying I'm better. I am thankful for all my survivor friends who helped me cope. They have reminded me to hope, pray, have purpose, and simply enjoy life. 

I cannot even imagine going through this without family and friends! 

To see my family increase in love and see the character of my friends are victories for me. To feel peace despite THIS is another one. 

Truthfully, I don't feel like I am fighting any battle. I do what I need to do, but I will not insist on how I want this to end, just so I can be called a "winner". What feels right to me is to surrender and submit my situation to the One who never lost and will never ever lose in battles.

I remember Jesus, who in the beginning, looked like he was losing, but he rose and showed the world how to be truly victorious. 

Philippians 2:5 Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus....who, though he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights as God, but laid aside his mighty power and glory, taking the disguise of a slave and becoming like men. And he humbled himself even further, going so far as actually to die a criminal’s death on a cross. 9 Yet it was because of this that God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name which is above every other name.....

Wow, his ways are so different from our ways. To us, to be a winner means acting, looking, and sounding like it, and to actually gain something. To him, as shown in the verse, winning meant losing first, humility, and trusting God all the way.

To those who died of cancer and chose to live well; to those who are still in treatment and are constantly choosing to live truly (you may not handle things perfectly but....)you, we, are victorious!

                                   

Emotions, Thoughts, And Living More Deeply

I wrote,  "but I have yet to find that stable, immovable and unshakeable joy for this new life" in my last post, Panic Attacks,"  because I have to constantly, constantly, fight the so many emotions and thoughts that go with this condition. It has become even more clear to me what cancer does. It isn't pretty. It is not inspiring. It isn't chemo that's terrible. It's cancer! One can live through chemo. And I believe it helps. I can sleep better knowing I've taken my chemo meds. But cancer keeps me awake at night knowing that it kills. It is ugly. If you already have it, take courage, have hope. If not, good, but TAKE HEED! DO NOT IGNORE the reminders - stop smoking, eat your fruits and veggies, avoid stress and learn to relax, go to check-ups (don't be afraid of hospitals...they help.), and find better alternatives to your processed meat and sugar fix. (I don't know why I'm writing these in this post. It doesn't feel like it's connected to the title but I really really feel strongly about this.)

Truthfully, and deeply.......

JESUS IS MY IMMOVABLE JOY. He's the reason why I am still here; why I can still laugh and sleep soundly at night. He is my peace and hope. He is my LIFE. He is the reason why I am breathing. He is IN my spirit - the unshakeable part of me. Not in my mind and soul that gets influenced by what I see, hear, smell, and touch. If I just reach deep deep down inside, and not live by my mind or soul (thinking too much, feeling too much), I'd be living by my spirit that's been made new - that part where there is no fear, only faith - where Jesus permanently dwells. 

Psalm 86:11

Tell me where you want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite.......

(I told you, I've been pushed over the edge!)

There are so many things going on in my body, mind, and heart, that it's so easy to FORGET what I've already been given to make it through this challenge. 

But I do believe too, as long as you're not hurting anyone, it is GOOD to talk about unhealthy emotions and what is in your mind that steals your peace...sort of like removing the dross from gold when it reaches the surface. God did not create us to become robots. He created us with emotions. But the unhealthy ones like fear and discouragement need to show up to be removed....like dross from gold.

The "gold" says, "Do not fear. Take courage.", "Everything will be ok in the end."

Yeah, I gotta live more deeply. Lord, I take Your challenge.... by your grace.