5th Cycle

I just finished my fifth cycle of Xeloda, and so far this round was one of the hardest. Having gone through 2 sets of chemo, you'd think I'd get used to it. But the weakness, body aches and dizziness are something you wouldn't want to happen on a daily basis. 

I asked myself, how else could I be productive in that state.

It concerned me that my daughters would often see me just lying down, watching my shows. Many times they would spend time with me, and often, we would enjoy these times together, but I'd be reminded to tell them, "Hey, this isn't your life. I am here because I am sick. Go out and MOVE. Sing. Play. Dance." 

Anyway, I had a lot of time being in bed these past two weeks, experiencing some flares which resulted to body aches, dizziness and weakness because of my low low blood count. 

That is chemotherapy. It is vicious and merciless.

But the people around me, and my bed :), give me lots of love and comfort. 

Chili oil for back massages, good food, funny shows, lots of hugs and kisses, assuring words, and reliable care from my loved ones are what help me fight these side effects. 

I thank the Lord for them all.

Pushed Over The Edge

I came across this article from Desiring God, entitled, This May Push You Over The Edge. 

It talks about a preaching that is so powerful that not even the writer of the article could give a summary. He only posted a link of the preaching, which, I, too, will do. I will also not attempt to explain it. I will only write here how it made me feel and what it made me think.

Let's start with how it made me feel. It comforted me that it shouldn't shock me that I am going through what I'm going through now. There are things happening in our lives as Christians, and I love this part, that only the resurrection from the dead can explain or justify. If there were no resurrection, we might as well just give it all up, stop all the hoping and rejoicing as we are suffering. But our faith says, there's life after all these, and so, we hope and live trying, by the grace of God, to please Him who made us despite the sufferings.

It comforted me to know that it is possible to be happy as we are experiencing sorrows. For the first time, I felt, that was possible. 

Before my diagnosis, I couldn't get my mind around that phrase, "sorrowful and yet, rejoicing."

But now that we are going through this, yes, it is possible. That is how we are now. It isn't perfect, but we are joyful in the midst of our sorrows.

I am comforted that as I hold on to my faith, while we are bombarded by trials, my God is glorified and someday, I will also share this with Him, because of the suffering of Christ on the cross. Heavy stuff but worth mentioning.

From His suffering came LIFE in eternity, and glory. It is both comforting and awe-inspiring to know that, isn't it?

Second, what did the preaching make me think? 

I thought, I am so fortunate to be more aware of my mortality. It really makes one think to be in such a place. 

In my limited time here on earth, how dare I think that I am here to just enjoy, which I think a lot of lately. 

What does God, MY MAKER, want me to do? Doesn't He have the say, the right to command, instruct, and mold......He is after all the Architect of this life.

Of course, God wants me to have quality time with my family and friends and enjoy it immensely, but before that, shouldn't I be thinking, what really is my purpose for being here? Why am I in the position I am in now. Surely, he has a plan. And it is my job to seek it.

Right now, this is what I can do. Write. Post. Be expressive of what is in my heart. I'd like to believe, somehow, there is some good brought into my circle of family and friends because of what I do now.

Here's the link to the preaching, Live To Die . Please find sometime to listen to it. I agree, it sounds pretty heavy and it takes patience to listen and read through the transcript, but it is definitely, life-changing.

Fighters

So many say that I'm a fighter, but I think I am able to be one because so many others are fighting for and with me; my husband, my daughters, some relatives, friends, and even strangers. 

I know it isn't easy to watch, encourage, and take care of a sick loved one, to raise funds, and even to pray requires effort, some passion and maybe even tears.

In this life, our fight is never-ending. We just have to know the things that are worth fighting for. 

I am thankful that those who continually support us find that my life is worth saving. 

When I was first diagnosed, it was very tempting to go alternative because, first, it seemed easier, second, because I wanted to save the money we worked so hard to have. 

But my gut couldn't take the thought that our savings was worth more than my life. Also, after losing my mom, I thought how my girls would be without their mom. 

So we chose to fight, and fight hard. We chose to put our faith in God's provision however it's going to come. 

Two years into this, we really have been drained. We are not only dealing with my sickness, but everything else that a growing family deals with. 

In those two years, we have experienced a few bumps here and there regarding funding; a few bumps, but big bumps nonetheless. 

But God continually provides, through our own work, fund raisers, through good-hearted individuals, and even through ways we would have never imagined. 

This post is to simply express our desire to continually fight, believe, hope, and live.

Thank you to those who are standing, praying, and fighting along with us.

Cravings

The past few days, I've been craving for food that I have tried to avoid, particularly, processed meat and junkfood. 

I was thinking of hotdog sandwiches with condiments from SnR...ugh. Burgers from Mcdonalds or Burger King. Cheetos, potato chips, and Lapid's chicharon.

I think this is one time that eating healthy doesn't excite me. Imagine my face when I eat those steamed vegetables and roast chicken leaving out the tasty skin. 

But I know I'll get over this.

I have chosen this kind of diet not because of anything I've read, but because of how they've made me feel before, after consuming them. 

The good thing about a visible cancer site which makes me feel pain or heaviness at certain times is I get to observe what happens to my body. 

If I get too tired, the site would feel heavy. Same thing when I'm stressed. After a long, good sleep, it would feel lighter, which makes me feel more comfortable.

Based on my observation, I really am better off with the diet I'm on now.

The time that my cancer progressed, I was eating a lot of red meat to increase my red blood cells. I am not saying that's the cause of it, but now that I'm avoiding those, my condition is a lot more stable. 

It's just a little confusing because talking to some cancer survivors, I've learned they've not changed their diet much and they are ok. Maybe I'm one of those whose cancer react strongly to food. 

Thinking of my goal, which is to keep my condition stable and to live longer, apparently, those cravings don't matter as much. I'm just at that grumpy phase now. 

Right now, my husband is preparing bananas and pineapple smoothie, so that makes me feel better. There are still a lot more healthy food that taste great actually. I just need to get back on track, and be grateful that I am, and the rest of the family are eating healthier.

Time to get those packs of popcorn from Healthy Options!

Check out these healthier eats from my Pinterest page.

Truth is, there is so much more to life than these cravings. Come on, Issay!

Summer Recap

It is the first week of June and summer is almost over. In just a few days, I'll be starting with home school with my three girls ages, 10, 14, and 17. 

I know! I have a lot to plan for their education. We'll make it fun and flexible. But before all that, let me give you a recap of what went on in the Tanabe household.

Summer is when I began with my third chemo regimen. After another major surgery, we were hoping that this third drug, Xeloda, would work very well for me. The good news is, it does. My oncologist is very happy to give me her report that the cancer site is decreasing in size. 

With the convenience that this oral chemo brings, I was able to do a lot with the family. Yay!

First stop was Baguio, the summer capital of the Philippines. We had a great time eating delicious food, doing a little shopping and simply, bonding as a family. 

Also, I started my blog! Inspired by some quotes I have found through these years and by this book I received from two of my friends based in Australia.

There is a lot to be said. I believe, it is the healthiest to be able to express them all. Hopefully, the blog brings some inspiration to my readers. 

Next, we celebrated my daughter's 17th birthday. It was good to be out with the family as I've been spending most of my time at home.

This summer, my youngest, Joey, started her youtube channel, and her dad supports her by being her cameraman and editor. She was inspired by the so many young girls just doing their thing on cam, namely the Seven Super Girls or SSG.

I have also enjoyed the numerous dishes my husband cooked for me.

Spent a lot of relaxing moments with my bff, Hilda :) Thankful for the hospitality of the whole family. 

My 17-year old participated to be a part of the worship team for a convergence of the different churches in Bulacan. Happy for her.

My 14-year old, Toni, won gold for her most recent archery tournament. Wow! 

Celebrated Mother's Day, and heard my eldest speak and sing to the church that day. Wonderful time.

Had a relaxing and fun time with the whole family and my husband's friends in this resort, not so far away from our place. 

We watched my youngest daughter's ballet recital. She looked so pretty and danced so gracefully.

We recently just spontaneously drove to Subic for some family time before my 5th cycle of Xeloda and we had so much fun.

We spent our summer in very simple ways, but what mattered most was we had a lot of time to bond as a family, get to know each other a little more, learn to take care of each other better, and more importantly, as a mom, observe even more closely my children's hearts. I am joyous to see that the difficulties we've been facing have created in them strength of character. To me, that is the greatest of all I have experienced these two months of intense heat. 

Now, I'm excited for our Father's Day celebration ;)