Distractions

One of the things that a cancer patient doesn't want is to be looked at differently. We still think of the same stuff we would think of before diagnosis.

I strongly dislike it when I'm at a mall and some people would look at me with dread, being in a wheelchair and wearing a bandana, like they are seeing a ghost. Or when I'm always approached in a serious manner like I don't think of anything else but cancer and death. 

Cancer patients are still ALIVE! 

As there is still so much life in me, there are a lot of things that I still want to do - and I mean regular things, not only stuff a dying person would do. 

Sure, I already prepared a journal, letters, and a scrapbook for my children and husband. This sickness may have made life even more dramatic, but I have moments of sheer shallowness.

I think one ingredient to survival is not taking yourself too seriously. I told my children in the beginning that I'd do everything to get well and if that means being light-hearted at times, that I'd be. 

I still think of make-up, shoes, and clothes, dates with my husband and fun breaks with my children.

I do selfies,

flashbacks,

food shots,

or any shot I could think of.

I go to Pinterest for cute outfits,

good food,

home designs,

party ideas, 

and a lot of other pretty things.

I love watching tv shows, and these are the ones I particularly enjoy:

I call these things, distractions. I need them, maybe, as much as I need all my meds. They're like pain drugs that help me forget....Yes, sometimes, I really just want to forget. 

Humbling

Having cancer is a a very humbling thing. You see how limited your time is, here on earth; how weak your flesh is; and how much you are in need of a perfect God. 

We, humans, tend to forget that we are destructible. With all the glories we want to acquire - the best "stuff", respect, admiration, and envy of others, we forget that there is a God whom we ought to bow down to. We set up ourselves as our very own idols. 

I, for one, strong and seemingly far from sickness, dreamed of such grandeur. I wanted to make a name for myself through every good work I could think of and do. But I was always met with disappointments. The high that I was looking for after every endeavor was just not there. Whatever success I got was never enough. I always wanted more. 

During those times, I felt I just couldn't get a break and bad things were happening to me. Little did I realize that God was really protecting me. He was keeping me from straying far away from him.

One may ask, "What is wrong with dreaming big things for ourselves?" What's wrong with it is, we weren't created for ourselves, but for Him who formed us. 

We weren't born just so we could acquire glory for ourselves, but to give it to whom it is due, who alone is worthy. And the glory we give to Him, out of kindness, He shares it with us. 

We should, once and for all, realize that everything we were gifted to do - making art, music, dance, sports, literature....are all for Him! 

Cancer, like what I wrote in my last post, is also an ally. It helps me remember I am but flesh and blood, imperfect, limited, and in great need - but MADE FOR WORSHIP.

Why do bad things happen in this world? So we remember.....

Isaiah 66:1-2

Heaven is my throne and the earth is my footstool: What Temple can you build for me as good as that? My hand has made both earth and skies, and they are mine. Yet I will look with pity on the man who has a humble and a contrite heart, who trembles at my word.

Teamwork

How easy it is to think that cancer is an enemy because of all the pain....and, yes, to me, it is an enemy. The damage it has brought to my body is heartbreaking;  the confusion and fear, and the challenges on marriage, parenting, and finances are huge. 

But at the same time - it is an ally. The lessons it has brought to me and my family are also great, many times, touching, heartwarming, wise, embraceable - oh there are still so many positive things that, I don't have the words for now.

One of the lessons my husband and I are learning is teamwork. We knew even from the very beginning of our marriage how important it is.  But I believe many married couples, if not all, would agree with me how difficult it is! Sometimes, it even seems impossible! But cancer has somehow, naturally, helped us know more about how it works. No, couples don't need a crisis to learn it. It is unfortunate that we are learning it the hard way, but it is amazing, nonetheless, that "our eyes have finally been opened to the wonderful benefits of teamwork." 

Ever since we got into business, my husband and I tried (Yes, that's the word, TRIED) to work together as a team but.......We always had different ideas of doing and handling things. What made it harder was we were both passionate for what we thought was right or best for our work and.....the rest is history.

This sickness - an enemy - but also, an ally - somehow, put us in our places. I was brought to a humbler place, and my husband, to his leadership position. 

I, being in a humbler, quieter place, do a lot of - being still - thinking, reading, writing, watching what's going on around, and praying. Being in a "humble" place doesn't mean doing nothing, being quiet all the time, or being weak. It means knowing your place, being content with it, and doing only the part that you're meant to do, no more no less. Now that I am knowing more about my part in my marriage, I can honestly say that I am happier. There is more peace and joy in my life. I have more appreciation for my husband's strength and leadership. Our communication is more respectful and gentle which brings understanding and (cough, cough), agreement. 

How wonderful it is for a husband and wife to accept, appreciate, and ACT accordingly; to listen to, respect, and love one another. It is one of the greatest rewards we can have and THE GREATEST GIFT we can give to our children. 

For that, thank you, cancer. 

Music 2

Music to me these days isn't just for enjoyment. It is a weapon to fight against discouragement, fear, anxiety, and unbelief. 

Psalm 118:14-16 says it best, "He is my strength and SONG in the heat of battle, and now he has given me the victory. 15-16 Songs of joy at the news of our rescue are sung in the homes of the godly."

Cancer is an enemy that can easily bring one to a place of misery and defeat. It is vicious and merciless. It may take me away from the people I love, but while I am still here, I won't let it break my heart and steal my enthusiasm for life. 

These songs remind me that there is hope; that Jesus gives me a way of escape from all my troubles.  

I hope you listen to these songs and let them propel you to a life of knowing His love and the victory you have in Him.

Enjoy! 

In The Name Of Jesus by Darlene Zschech

Our God by Chris Tomlin

I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin

How He Loves by David Crowder

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin

                         Psalm 42:8

Yet day by day the Lord also pours out his steadfast love upon me, and through the night I sing his songs and pray to God who gives me life.

Taxotere

My first oncologist said, Taxotere is one of the best. Makes me and my husband wonder why this medicine wasn't given to me in the first place. Hay. It is my seventh medicine. I have taken two rounds of it. What it does is, 

"It interferes with microtubules, which are part of the internal structure cells need when they are dividing. This leads to cell death. Because cancer cells divide faster than normal cells, they are more likely than normal cells to be affected by this drug," 

according to the American Cancer Society. Sounds smart? Haha. Sounds good too.

My personal experience is, the left side of my chest is becoming closer to skin color. It used to be super red. Don't be grossed out. Sorry. The right side is a bit more difficult to treat because of its size. But so far, I have been feeling lighter and more comfortable. That should be good, right? 

Its side effects are the worst I've experienced. After my first round, I was in bed for a week, literally groaning (GROANING!) in pain. My husband and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Eating was a struggle too. Food tasted weird which caused me to eat small portions of the dishes served to me. So I was hungry, growing weaker, and couldn't eat. I had to look for dishes that tasted normal to me, so that I could eat a lot, and get stronger. What worked was pork sinigang from Max. I didn't eat the solids, just the soup. It did feel like it filled my tummy. I was satisfied, and it got me through that time. 

The second round was easier, but I had to take my pain meds so many times to be comfortable. I am taking three kinds of pain meds now, Targin, Lyrica, and Dolcet. The reason for the pain is because of the tumor size. It is already a lot bigger than when I started. Sorry for that description. It is reacting to chemo, and to put it in a way we, who are not doctors, understand it better, the chemo med and the tumors are at war in my body, and I am feeling it! 

So the pain, even though it's hard, is giving us hope that Taxotere is working. 

But here's the thing, there was a point in my two years of treating this cancer, when I put too much confidence in what people and medicines could do for me. I forgot that all these were limited and could only help me up to a certain point. They shouldn't replace the complete healing that I have in God, who ultimately gives me my breath, my life. 

Now, as I take my chemo meds, and other medicines (I recognize that they are still needed and are gifts from above to help people), I acknowledge Jesus who makes everything work, who gives me joy and strength, who provides for everything that I need, who invigorates my soul and body, thus, giving me LIFE. 

I got a quote that says, "A strong, positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." But let me now put it this way, "My God, Jesus, will create more miracles than any wonder drug." 

John 1:4 

Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind.

New Year

I entered the new year with my heart.

That means, I wasn't able to get out of bed (not a lot of physical activities, but a lot of good feelings and thoughts). It was the second day after chemo, and I was dealing with its side effects. 

We made sure we had good food, sparklers, a good movie to watch, and good words for each other. Most importantly, we made sure to pray. There is nothing like entering the new year with Someone who can love us perfectly. And there is nothing like the love of Jesus. 

I kept telling my family I love them, and whenever they entered the room, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful they all were, and I made sure they knew it. I am thankful that we were able to still build good memories in spite of how I was feeling. 

I am thankful for my husband and girls who went to the grocery store, cooked, and made sure to make our dining table attractive by serving delicious food: lasagna, prawns in chili and garlic, apple pie....and our Tita who lives next door, giving us barbecue and lumpiang shanghai, plus fruit salad. Oh how we love to eat! 

We wrote our new year resolutions in my homemade cards and put them in our tiny christmas tree;  

my husband and youngest daughter went out at twelve midnight to watch the fireworks and to light up her sparklers.

 

 

My two big girls spent time with me in the room, and played the movie, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. We thought it was fitting because of Electro who sparkled the city. I was in bed, spending quality time with the people I love, munching on chocolate-covered raisins. Hmmmm, yeah, new year's eve was good. God was good, and still is, and will be for the rest of the year. 

Happy 2015 everyone!