Ugly

Seeing the effects of this cancer on my body has left me with a continuous fight to regain my self-esteem and how I look at myself. 

It may sound shallow to some, but who in the world would totally feel ok with what I'm going through now? The thought of going bald frightened me, moreso, getting a mastectomy. 

I would sometimes ask my husband if he's still attracted to me (silly question), and he would always assure me of his love and commitment whatever happens. I agree, this sickness has made me say some crazy things. 

I've realized how much my appearance mattered to me, and it is an ugly awakening. I am seeing how vain and shallow I can be. The lesson is when your perception of beauty fades, what are you left with?

I have the love and constant encouragement of my husband, the love of my children, like nothing has changed, the support of my friends, and the faithfulness of God, in always making me whole despite all my imperfections. 

I've become aware of other things I can do too, instead of letting so many outward stuff occupy my time. It is stressful to try to make everything look perfect: my appearance, children, husband, home, and the circumstances around me. For what? For my own satisfaction? And pride?

What valuable lessons this "ugliness" is teaching me!

This is what's beautiful: that I am maturing and learning, seeing the goodness of the people around me, and keeping this in mind,

30 

Charm can be deceiving,

    and beauty fades away,

but a woman

who honors the Lord

    deserves to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30 

Hope

Please don't get me wrong. My last post, Differently Positive, doesn't mean I'm losing hope. Learning from my experience with the death of my mom, which I was totally unprepared for, I am just constantly making myself ready for other possibilities, like...hmmm....death. 

I do think of death, but I think of LIFE more.

As long as there's still something we can do, we're not going to stop. We are far from giving up. 

I still dream of seeing my girls finish school, be successful in their chosen fields, get married, and have kids. I dream of being a grandma, seeing my grandchildren's smiles and chubby cheeks, smelling their breath and pinching their noses. 

I still look forward to spending more great years with my husband; getting teary-eyed with him during our daughters' graduations and weddings, and seeing his handsome grandpa face. 

I wish to be given a chance to take care of him.

I pray hard for these things. 

I wish that someday I'll be totally free from this sickness. Oh, how I long to be free from pain!

No, I am not losing hope. It is what keeps me alive, keeping me motivated to do what I am meant to do. It is what still enables me to laugh in a place of sorrows; stay strong at a time of weakness, and try to be a blessing to others at a time of great need. 

These are a few things that keep me going: celebrations, rest, and Mr. Froggy. I'll explain why.

Celebrations do not only mean a huge amount of food and chit chats. It is a great way to show love and appreciation to our loved ones. That is the most important thing. 

Who knows how many more birthdays and other celebrations I'll be in? And this is true for anyone. Making it extra special and memorable is something I am urged to do.

Recently, we organized a simple birthday party for our youngest. She requested for a camping themed party. We had homemade decorations, a simple spread of food, and a few invited guests. My 11-year old had a blast! Why? Because she felt loved. 

We were never into fancy celebrations. First, our budget doesn't allow it, which turns out to be a blessing. There is nothing like a fun and intimate gathering of family and friends. Focusing on what is most important is what matters.

Rest, clearly, helps me gather strength. I savor it! I think it's underrated. People think they're being lazy when they rest. That was so true for me before my diagnosis. But it is so essential to living. God gives proper rest to His children, it says in the bible. 

Here's a piece of advice: enjoy the comfort of your bed, eat a yummy snack, watch a movie, read a good book, or do art. Breathe deeply. Do some stretches. Get a massage. Sleep! Most importantly, have a relaxing, intimate talk with loved ones. 

Love your body and give it what it craves for: rest. 

"Mr. Froggy" represents the wackiness in my life. Where would I be without humor? It may sound redundant from me, but, it's so true, and it is worth repeating. Humor, or wackiness, gets me through days of turmoil. It pushes worry and fear away. Doesn't it feel good to laugh? There is nothing wrong with being silly sometimes. 

Psalm 42:4Living Bible (TLB)

4-5 Take courage, my soul.......Why then be downcast? Why be discouraged and sad? Hope in God! I shall yet praise him again. Yes, I shall again praise him for his help.[a]

Differently Positive

I was initially thinking of two other posts entitled "Celebrations, Rest, and Mr. Froggy", which, hopefully, would be a bit humorous, and showing a lot of positivity. The other post, "Ugly", would talk about my struggles concerning self-esteem, and how I am overcoming it through the word of God and my husband's encouragement - another "positive" post. Maybe, I will still post something under those titles, but after today's disappointment because of my hemoglobin being low, which means no chemo, I'd like to go another direction and not force myself to be upbeat. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, I am after all still human. I am often urged to be positive and fight, which is totally good, but right now, I feel like just letting things be. 

Every time my husband changes my bandages, we see new tumors growing and it's so easy to get discouraged and give up. At times, I would see my husband's face, and it isn't a look of gladness but of worry, which could easily scare me. However, I was reminded to look beyond the physical and seek the reason why this illness is being allowed to happen in spite of all our prayers and efforts. 

There is something deeper than just being well. These verses sum it all up, 

2 Corinthians 12:7 
I will say this: because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me and prick my pride. 8 Three different times I begged God to make me well again.

9 Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities.10 Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.

This post may not leave a positive note to some but this ongoing struggle is giving me more clarity as to how I should live my life. 

This cancer, with all its ugliness and pain, will not stop me from living my life to the fullest. 

What is this flesh worth anyway knowing it is bound to decay and die? We spend so much on beautifying, pampering, and enriching this flesh, when that is not the point of living. We pay so much attention on our life here on earth that we forget eternity. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working on being healthy but, what is most important, I am learning, is to prepare for heaven, our real home. 

It is for God to decide to give me my physical healing. If He decides otherwise, and He has all the right to, it is still well and good, because when I'm in heaven, I'll be perfect. 

Now, isn't that the most positive thing?