Cancer Perks

 

Please don't judge me after this post. There is this thing that we call, "cancer perks" at home. 
It's something my children came up with and we all laugh about it. 

Cancer perks mean, I am not expected to do house work, can sleep the whole day, and when I ask for something, like food, or something I want for us to do as a family, as long as it's within reason, my husband buys or does it for me. To be honest, I enjoy this a lot. Haha

One patient talked about the time he was just diagnosed with lung cancer. He started to enjoy life. He drove his Benz up a mountain, enjoyed the view and wind, and drank his red wine. "Ang sarap mag-ka-cancer," he continued to say. 

Cancer patients are encouraged to take fun seriously. We are urged to truly live, and live to the fullest; to do what we've always wanted to do. We are not looked at in a weird way when we cry, get scared, or have emotional breakdowns.

Cancer perks. :)

At home, we only have one helper. We call someone from time to time to clean and work in the garden. We bring our clothes to a laundry shop. So it's pretty manageable. I've chosen this system at home, so we are all more encouraged to move and do chores, especially my children. 

When I was well and strong. I did some of the housework; cooked, washed the dishes, gave the dog a bath, and picked leaves in the garden, and a few more things to help out our helper and Doods. 

This time, though I still do a few things at home, I really am not expected to do anything, except to work on getting well, strong, stable, and happy.

Cancer perks! 

I take this as an opportunity to train my girls as well, to be more responsible at home. The things I used to do are now passed on to them. There are certain chores assigned to them. And they are not only taught to do these things, but to do them willingly, even cheerfully. 

It isn't always easy to motivate them to work around the house. But more and more they are learning. When they see me just sitting while they do work, they all jokingly say, "cancer perks." Inside, I giggle. 

On Being A Parent

When I just had Andi, my 17-year old, I became a more cautious driver. You see, I loved driving fast.

"I am already a mom, I gotta take care of me. I can't put my life at risk. Somebody has to take care of that baby."

When becoming a parent, you just become more aware that you're life is no longer just for yourself but for the people God entrusted you with.

There was even a time in our parenting when Doods and I (we learned this from our head pastor, and we just thought it made a lot of sense) wouldn't board the same plane. He took one flight and I, another, just to be sure that if anything tragic should happen, there'd be one parent left to take care of our toddlers. 

I just couldn't take the thought of young children not having anyone to parent them. How much more, our own? 

I guess, you become much more aware of your value when you've already lost your own parents. 
You long for their guidance. You wish you have those sharing their wisdom with you. You hope that there are those that are after your best interests. They are your parents. 
Based on my experiences, they really are the only ones looking out for you 100%. The others, and I am not faulting them for this, are just taking care of themselves, or looking out after their own families. They make room for you, but in the end, they go to their own families. It isn't wrong. It isn't sad. It's just a fact of life. That is where they belong.

However, God has been teaching me who we can call our true family, and who truly looks out for us 100%. Doods and I have been adopted...more of this in another post....

So, as a parent and mom, I know that one of my responsibilities, among so many other things, is TO SIMPLY BE THERE, for my children; TO BE AVAILABLE, to give advice, give love and comfort, to be their first teacher, nurse, and minister. It really is the most fulfilling job.

What do I do now when my most important job is being shaken and threatened to be cut short? It really is an on-going question. 

What now when you are faced with a life-threatening sickness? When the assurance of staying with your kids in every stage of their lives is taken away from you? (But who really has that assurance, anyway?)

My goal is to stay for as long as I can. To stay sane despite all the medicines, so I can still be there and communicate with my family. What is the point of living if there really is nothing more I can do?

What comforts me is to know God has always been and will always be there. Even if I go, He, the perfect parent, will be there for my children, just as He did, and is still doing for me.
I know this may be hard for some to understand. But when you've experienced a great loss, something supernatural happens, if you choose to have faith. 
I still get counseled, provided for, protected, and led to live a good life, not perfect, but good. These things may come through friends, other family members, sometimes, even from people I've never met. I believe, it is because God, my Father, makes ways. 

Psalm 27:10

"For my father and my mother have left me, and the LORD has taken me up."

There is hope for me. I am holding on to that.
More importantly, whatever happens, there is hope, a lot of it, for my children, because of God.

And this, gives me peace.

A Good Day

First, I'd like to say that a good day to me is actually, great. Yesterday was one of those days. 

I was able to spend my Sunday like how it used to be: Church, lunch out, and a movie. Yes, it was like how it used to be, BUT with a lot more joy and appreciation. I was thankful that I was able to stand and worship God, and listen to a preaching about how glorious it's going to be when we finally see Jesus; that I was able to spend time with my husband and children, enjoy lunch and a movie with them. 
Before yesterday, I would usually just stay home when there's something the family wanted and needed to do, like doing groceries together, dental appointments, and movies. It was very rare that I'd go out...good thing it's not very hard for me to just stay home. I loved being home, but I missed being out with my family. 

I got to do that yesterday and it. Was. Good. It was great! Seeing Andi, my eldest, do her job as one of the worship leaders; see her grow in what God wants for her; see Toni grow up to be one fine lady; see how thoughtful and selfless she's becoming; see Joey smile and laugh because she's just having so much fun, and see my husband just relieved that I'm in a better state. I guess, everybody was having one fine day; a piece, a taste of heaven on earth.  

Hmmm.....and that's what I really want to talk about: the movie we watched, Heaven Is For Real.

I love that they didn't make it look or sound like they're preaching. I love that it was simply about life. 

I love that the actors made it look real. They showed genuine emotions for the situations they're in. They showed real living; dealing with bills, parenting, marriage, friendships, work; how living can be so confusing and painful at times, but in the midst of all the doubts, pain, and fear, people still hold on to their faith. 

I love that it boldly, but humbly talks about something that people usually avoid, death...heaven...Jesus. I guess we are at a time now, wherein so many of us recognize our great need of God. And we are not ashamed to admit and talk about it. That is definitely, good.

Loss is a part of life. What we need is to have that hope that it doesn't end here; that something beautiful awaits us, and the people we've lost aren't really gone but are living gloriously with our Lord. Isn't that amazing? I am thankful to be reminded of that once again through the movie. 

I love that in the end, there was a reminder that seeing the smile of a child, feeling the love of a mom or dad, are pieces of heaven on earth. We see those things and so, we believe that heaven is for real. 

Yesterday, as I was enjoying watching my family, I got a glimpse of heaven. This line became even more real to me, "...on earth as it is in heaven." 

Richard Glickstein talks about the power of prayer.

Christine Caine talks about the hope we can have if we believe.

Have a good day.....a great day, by being thankful for the simple things TODAY, and for the days to come!

Hello Injections

"The little foxes are ruining the vineyards..." from the Song of Solomon, is the verse I'd use to describe the injections I get regularly. They are those little irritants that could possibly ruin my determination to survive this whole thing with cancer. 

I have probably gotten hundreds of them already, for blood tests, scans, chemo infusions, and the other procedures needed. It is a lot easier now than when I just started with my treatments. 

I now get blood drawn from my left foot for my regular blood tests because of the mastectomies I got for both sides to avoid complications. It isn't as painful as the doctors and nurses described it to be. I still ask them to count though, so I can prepare myself and inhale to make the procedure more tolerable. I still hold Doods' hand to gather strength and courage. 

I used to hate injections, and dreaded it so much. I never thought I'd be spending my life, at present, dealing with it on a regular basis.

                       

There were nurses in the past that gave me such a hard time. 
There was one, to cover up her incompetence most likely, who said right away that it was going to be hard since I already had chemo. She quickly assumed my veins had already collapsed. Because of her negativity and fear probably, she pricked me several times but still wasn't able to access any vein - one of those hospital visits that I wanted to punch someone in the face. She quickly blamed my treatments when I never had any problems with injections before. She had to call a more competent nurse eventually. This second nurse didn't have any problem with the procedure at all.

Another one, a nurse who's overconfident, quickly pricked me without doing the usual tapping to get the veins out. When she couldn't access, she imagined that I kept moving. I couldn't tell her, "I've done this a million times. I am already used to staying still...." Doods could only give her his blazing look. Again, somebody else had to replace her to access a vein. 

I am so grateful that in Cardinal Santos, and this isn't an advertisement, the nurses I've encountered there are all well-trained. I never had any problems with any of my injections there. Even with my chemo infusion through a port, when I felt getting stabbed before, it wasn't much of a problem there. 
Nurse Veejay....I have to mention her name 'cause I'm so grateful for her.....made it so easy for me. She did it with such precision and quickness that I didn't feel any pain. 

Why am I writing about this? 

My seemingly insignificant experiences with injections are a big part of my life now that it matters. It takes strength and grace from above to find the positive in something that causes me pain. It really is nothing compared to refusing to deal with cancer and just letting it take over my body. 

It has become easier for me as well to comfort my daughters when they  are facing something terrifying. I tell them, "It's ok. This is nothing. You are strong. You can do this." 

Stable Is Good

It feels good to know that I can participate in my treatment plan - that I have doctors who listen.

Before I started with my third regimen, I saw this article, To Survive Cancer, Live With It. It talks about "that the judicious use of drugs can be more effective than the intuitive approach of killing as much as you can." It is a great read. Do check it out.

When I showed this article to my doctors, they were skeptical in the beginning. My surgeon said it's possible but very risky. My oncologist totally rejected it. She was set on giving me two drugs that would mean an aggressive approach. I kind of battled with her explaining that my past two regimens that were supposed to be aggressive and effective in eliminating the cancer left me in a much worse condition than when I started with all my treatments. She explained her side, and we left her clinic set on her treatment plan. 

However, on my next visit, she was more open to the idea, and even stressed that we are now working on making it a stable disease. I am now on just one chemo drug, Xeloda, which is very convenient to take since it's taken orally. So far, it's doing its job effectively. Thank you, Jesus. 

I am very comfortable with this strategy since I wouldn't be too weak that I couldn't do much or think straight. I feel, I can live with this, and it does feel like, I can live with this for a long time. 

This approach was further confirmed when a good friend showed me a video of Kris Carr, a woman battling an incurable stage 4 cancer that has spread to her lungs, liver and kidney. There is no standard treatment available for her, only experimental approaches. She was initially advised by her doctor to undergo a triple organ transplant. She thought, that was crazy! Who wouldn't?! Until she met a doctor from Harvard who told her, "Let's not do anything. Let us observe how the cancer behaves and moves. Find a way to live with the cancer." Fortunately, what she has is a slow-moving cancer. So she was led to a major lifestyle change - changed her diet, habits, way of thinking and feeling. She goes to the hospital for her regular scans, and for her last check-up, they saw that the tumors decreased in size. She's been living with the disease for eleven years. Check out this video,

None of us lives a perfect life, but we find ways to live beautifully through the imperfections. It's called faith and grace. I am content right now with my life. It would be great to hear from my doctors, "You're now cancer-free." But right now, I am grateful to God for "calm and stable." Stable is good. 

Eat To Live

I love to eat. 
One of the things that made me sad when I was just diagnosed was the impression I had with chemotherapy. I would hear cancer patients complaining about losing their appetite - about food tasting like metal. 
Eating is just one of those pleasures in life that I didn't want to have any problems with. I enjoy it so much, especially the fellowship that it brings with family and friends.
Thank God I've never really had any problems with it. I am still that same person who eats with gusto! Thank God for modern medicine that helps me manage my treatments' side effects. 
Though I am aware of the limitations with food, I never went for those extreme diets, like fruits and veggies only. 
Like what I wrote as I began this blog, I don't claim to be an expert in anything, I am only an expert patient. So the things that I write here are based on the information I have gathered through reading, my doctor's advice and what makes me feel good and healthy.

I make sure even with a much healthier diet, I still have fun. It wouldn't be life-giving if eating becomes dull and boring.

I try my best to get the whole family to eat healthier. Much healthier. We loved almost every food that's unhealthy in the planet. Doritos, Mcdonalds, fried this and fried that...the list could go on and on.
My groceries are now mostly composed of fruits and veggies, meats that are fresh instead of processed, and healthier alternatives for snacks for those times we crave for something crunchy and a little salty, like nuts, Japanese seaweeds, and some Healthy Option treats.

Oh, I also love snacking on grilled, boiled, or baked "saging na saba", sweet corn, and baked or boiled sweet potatoes. 

Good thing the family is compliant, and much more aware of what is best. It's difficult at times, especially for the youngest, who's ten, and LOVES sweets, bacon and everything tasty but empty in nutrients. Again, she has a lot of life and energy in her that she. does. not. care. Meal times are still a little struggle with her. 

Good thing my husband enjoys the change and is loving to research on healthier recipes and getting busier in the kitchen. Here he is, 

 Excited to make his vegetable broth :)

Here are some of what we enjoy having these days,

 Grilled Salmon 

 Indian mangoes we picked from our garden

Chicken Parmesan that my eldest, Andi, made.                                            Not so healthy.

 Cucumber smoothie

 Grilled tuna with caramelized onions on steamed                                         greens

 Berries and lemon water

 Salad from Echo Cafe

 Salad from Pho Hoa

Tomato soup with pasta, dilis, and ashitaba                                                leaves

 Hummus and tabbouleh from Cafe Medditerranean

Fried asuhos with ampalaya and green mango                                              salad

 Breakfast taco

 Fresh oranges. Yum.

 Vegetable sandwich with almonds and white                                                 parmesan popcorn :)

 Grilled shrimps with spicy salsa

 Melon juice. What a summer treat!

 Salad with toast (olive oil and balsamic vinegar with                                    garlic and chili as spread) and fresh orange juice

 My new favorite. Spanish sardines wrapped in                                               lettuce and whole wheat pita bread

We still love cakes and ice cream, so we still get them sometimes. And when we have them, it feels like....heaven! 

 Green tea ice cream and red beans from Lugang                                           Cafe

Home made strawberry ice cream using coconut                                            milk and honey

 Pretty cupcakes from Vanilla Cupcake

 Affogato from Epic Cafe

 Green tea cheesecake from Cafe+

 And the famous Puto Bumbong from Via Mare 

I definitely do not include junk food in my grocery list anymore. We don't have them at home so when the girls get hungry, they have no choice but to munch on apples, or the other fruits that we have.

I love that my 14-year old, Toni, had a taste of one of those commercialized fruit drinks again, and found it too sweet. Another time, she thought she missed Cheetos so much that she got a bag. When she ate them, she said it made her want to vomit. She never had them again.

Check out these healthier, but fun recipes I've gathered from Pinterest. I love that site!

I now rarely eat beef or pork as they make me feel bloated and heavy. Most of the time, I go for what makes me feel good, clean, and light. Vegetables, fruits, fish, and a little bit of chicken do that for me. 

Making Peace

I am not being negative, or hopeless. I am not even saying that I am totally ok with the idea. To be honest, I am not one of those who say, "I am prepared to die." But for this ninth entry, I'd like to talk about death.

It is not a welcome event, hence, the cancer treatments. But since it is the season to remember the death of our Lord, maybe, it wouldn't be too morbid to talk about it, or boldly say THE word.

This morning, over breakfast, I was talking to Doods about an article I read entitled, Why Doctors Die Differently, and telling him how enlightening it was. I didn't realize that my ten-year old who had already left the table could still hear us. Joey unhesitatingly interrupted us and said, "Why are you talking about death?! Don't talk about it!" She was close to tears, and kept saying those words. 

Of course, we stopped; understood that she's ten, having a lot of life and energy in her, the thought of dying is mind-boggling. 

I wonder, how many of us even in our adult years look at and speak of death like that of a ten-year old?

I recall those times when that word was mentioned, I would always say in panic, Don't say that!" As if not saying the D word would make us immortals. 

It is both confusing and dizzying to consider dying, isn't it?

Now that I am faced with cancer, though I try to stay as positive as I can, I can't help but think of it all the time. There have been a few preparations in case it happens, so I talk to my husband about it, which he says "No, that's not gonna happen" to.

I stop him when he responds that way as I remember the time my mom was dealing with lung cancer (at 39 years old!). We were all praying for and expecting a miracle, and were never able to prepare for the unwanted. I am not diminishing the possibility of miracles. No, not at all. However, I have been learning that miracles cannot be limited to a healthy physical life. 

Because I was unprepared, I was shaken up and confused for a long long time after my mom's death. It was an experience that I wouldn't want for my family, especially my children. 

I know, whatever is said and done, nothing can entirely prepare anyone for a loved one's passing, but I do my best. I am learning, in order to create peace in them, I have to have it in myself first.

Here are some of the points I have gotten so far that help me have peace in the face of death:

- Jesus died young. He was thirty-three, but he lived a fulfilled and complete life. I don't go for words like, "I still have a lot to do. It's not yet my time" anymore. God could be saying, "Your work is done. It's time to go."

- This quote, "Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home," by C.S. Lewis.

- And these verses from the Bible, 2 Corinthians 5 For we know that when this tent we live in now is taken down—when we die and leave these bodies—we will have wonderful new bodies in heaven, homes that will be ours forevermore, made for us by God himself.... 2 How weary we grow of our present bodies. That is why we look forward eagerly to the day when we shall have heavenly bodies that we shall put on like new clothes.....4 These earthly bodies make us groan and sigh.....We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will, as it were, be swallowed up by everlasting life....every moment we spend in these earthly bodies is time spent away from our eternal home in heaven with Jesus. 7 We know these things are true by believing, not by seeing. 8 And we are not afraid but are quite content to die, for then we will be at home with the Lord.9 So our aim is to please him always in everything we do.....

Whether we like it or not, we, as a family, is in the process of making peace with death. 

Surrounded by uncertainties, shouldn't this be the same for everyone?

Normal

I still remember those days when I would do my usual activities for work, or with my family, WITHOUT any thought of what I was feeling in my body, what was there and what wasn't. I was strong, young, and had a lot of plans and dreams for myself and my family. 

Things were just....normal. 

These days, I am constantly reminded of this disease I am carrying, with the constant discomfort, limitations on activities and food, numerous pills I take everyday, regular visits to the hospital, injections, scans, hearing some heavy stuff from my doctor, and seeing the scars I gained these past months. Things have changed dramatically for me. Sometimes, I still cry.

But my life isn't necessarily worse.

When I hear my children laugh, play, and see them grow in their interests and talents, it means so much more.

My husband, whose life changed dramatically as well, still have fun, is more focused, has become a better listener, comforter and friend, and....has been busier in the kitchen, which he said he enjoys. 

My heart is happy to see my family grow and become more mature through it all. I am truly blessed.

As for me, I have been learning to be more appreciative of so many things I used to take for granted.

I stand in the shower thanking God that I still have the strength to refresh myself. 

I breathe deeply and I am grateful that my lungs are clear and my heart is strong and healthy. 

Here are a few more things I am grateful for as well:

fun moments with my family

talk time with my husband

better and healthier food at home, and enjoying them  

chats with my friends 

reading books

w a t c h i n g   m o v i e s 

enjoying art

having a clear mind to still think, plan and pray for the future 

MUSIC 

 that I am able to still  do some things like, write, focusing on making my life enjoyable  and meaningful

and simply, LIVING

Maybe this is what's normal...not going about my days unaware, unappreciative, and sooo consumed with the "big things". 

Friends Who Listen

Cancer can be a great gauge of character. 

When I  found out that this terrible disease that I fought so hard to eliminate from my life was back and progressed to stage 4, I was hysterical. To hear "stage 4 breast cancer" was like a death sentence to me in the beginning. 

I cannot even imagine now the amount of tears I shed during that first week. I was angry, hopeless, and depressed. And those who walked me through that time are truly amazing people. 

This entry is about two types of friends who showed up at my doorstep when I just found out. I'd like to write about this because I feel there is a great lesson to be learned here by all of us.

The first type of friend was one who let me pour out, and listened. 

They knew I needed to let things out. I was talking about how angry I was at the people who were mean to us during my treatments....about those who didn't keep their word regarding something (as I wrote about in this entry, On Judgment and Betrayal), about how Doods and I felt at times we were really on our own. I was lamenting about how all these caused me a lot of stress during my recovery period. The moment they tried to make me feel better, I got angrier. It was a difficult time and I spoke of things that were hard to take and listen to, but these friends stayed. They didn't squinch, twitch, or hurriedly left our home. In fact, one friend even went to the kitchen and prepared something for all of us to eat.

They stayed until I was calm. And we ended the night with a prayer. What calmed me down were not words, but to know that there would be friends who would stick it out with me and my family during the most difficult times. 

The other type of "friend" who showed up  got offended when I wasn't accepting of her words of "wisdom and knowledge". I needed for my feelings to be acknowledged at that point, not to be fixed. 
She clearly withdrew from me that night, and totally disappeared from my life eventually.

It was more important for this person to be right than to simply give comfort. 

Really, do you expect a woman in her early forties, who could possibly leave her young children to be "ok" a few days after finding out she could die? No doctorate or religious degree could comfort any woman in that position, I believe. Only genuine love and comfort would work. 

Now, I can laugh, have more hope, and those friends who listened are still here, enjoying these better days with me.
(Maybe soon I'll be posting pictures of them. Love 'em.) 

No Fear

I'm in the middle of my second cycle of Xeloda, and it has been like a roller coaster ride. 

During the first cycle, I had some doubts about this new drug. I just came from a regimen that my oncologist had a lot of confidence in. She said Carboplatin works best for the triple negative type. She was so positive about it that I was already reading up on articles about life after cancer. On my seventh session, she saw that the cancer progressed which led to its discontinue and another major surgery. 

When I started with Xeloda, I felt a little improvement right away, but on my second week, I felt something that I believed was a progression. Even on my first check-up with my oncologist, she wasn't very positive, and we were already preparing to add Taxotere to my regimen. But during my one week break, the site of the skin mets began to dry up and decrease in size. Then I read about tumor flares as one of the side effects of chemotherapy. They eventually subside and you realize the chemo drug is actually working for you. 

My oncologist confirmed the improvement so we moved on to the next cycle. Now, I can only hope and pray that I am only experiencing another flare-up. I am looking forward to an improvement after I complete this second round. 

I am on a roller coaster ride, indeed, and it can get scary many times. 

Back in 1999, I had a dream about this intimidating ride. I am sure about the year because it was the time Doods had just left his corporate work so we could focus on our business. I thought it represented the fear and doubts that the transition brought, and maybe it did too. But, just the other day I was reminded of it again. I still remember the thought I had in that dream being in an unsecured and chilling ride. I thought,  "It's ok. As long as I have Jesus, I am safe." So now that I am once again at a scary point, I go back to those words. As long as I have Jesus, I am safe. 

Laugh Therapy

I wouldn't have made it these past two years without humor. I love to laugh, and it shows in its intense volume. Thank God for my "Cachupoy" husband who never fails to deliver. 

From my first surgery, where he broke a plastic chair and fell flat from it which gave me a hard time laughing because of my fresh scars, to talking about getting an ass mastectomy, he really has been the main source of this wonderful drug. 

Laughter is free and available wherever you look. But, it only comes if you want it. 

Who wouldn't want it? A famous verse says, it is the best medicine. 

So here's a collection of some moments of my funny man.

Here he was during my last surgery being smart.

Using his cellphone as a pillow. Doesn't it look comfy? 

He thought he needed to be more fit but didn't exactly know where the gym was. He thought it was a wall climbing fitness center. 

Isn't he handsome as Bane? Maybe with a more cool mask, and a better body (according to him). 

A scarf (and style) thief! This was the time I was bald and he thought he, too, could wear a scarf around his head if he wanted to. 

There are so many ways to beat the emotional scars this disease brings into people's lives. Life is so much bigger than cancer. 

It can definitely make you think that once you have it, it is your world, but, you look out there and you find so many other things that make your world - faith, love, friendships, laughter, adventures, art, and other people in need.

The other day, I was listening to a preaching about the importance of knowing how blessed you are so you can start blessing others. I realized I have not thought of that in a long time. But really, compared to most in our world, I am, my family is still in a much better place. In my time of great need, I still want to be a blessing. 

I know and should remember, it begins with having joy in myself, then, in my home.....and hopefully, this same joy reaches wherever it is needed and wanted. 

A Sense of Purpose

Journaling is what I find myself doing a lot lately. I have an actual journal for my family. It contains everything I want to say to my children (and husband). I consider it as an extension of our bible sessions during home school. It is of utmost importance to me to talk to my girls about practical lessons that I believe would help them through life. During these sessions, I see from my children the appreciation for such talks. I give them bible verses that have helped me and let them know of my victories, as well as my failures. It gives me joy to see on their faces enlightenment, and hear them speak of their own experiences. I hold those moments close to my heart. 
When I got married and had children, I always wondered what nuggets of wisdom my mom would share with me. All I could do was imagine. 

I have accepted, though I remain hopeful, there is a possibility that I don't make it that far into my daughters' future, my eldest being 17, the second 14, and my third, 10. That is why it thrills my heart to write....to write about things I imagined my mom would talk to me about if she was here with my growing family. 

It is comforting to know that they will never be without a mom. If I do go, they will have that journal to go back to for mom's love, comfort, and advice, just like what I have for them during our bible sessions. If I stay, and they have questions, but I'm too tired to talk because of old age, I can just say, "Go, look at the journal!" It will be useful to them, or to me. Haha.

I don't claim to know all the answers to life's mysteries. That is why in my messages, I always always point them to God, and to His Word. In Him, they are complete. 

So I have my journal, Facebook, and this blog. Facebook is for those little and simple joys, fun photos, articles and ideas I'd like to share, like a celebration of everyday blessings, and this blog is for the "heavier stuff". 

I do a few things for work, because once I start it, I want things done a certain way that I get so high-strung. It  becomes a source of stress for me, and others. So that has to take a backseat for now. I know, I have to learn to relax in that area! 

For now, I find joy and healing in writing. Like what the main character in the movie, Chariots of Fire, said, "....when I run, I feel His pleasure." When I get so true, and put my thoughts down into writing, though I am not a trained writer, I feel His pleasure.

It gives me a sense of purpose despite my limitations. It contributes to my happiness despite the pain and challenges that cancer has brought into my life. It is true, cancer can do a lot to hurt you, but it can never steal your faith nor break your spirit if you don't let it.