Path of Hope

There is something baffling about a co-fighter's passing. 

Yesterday, when a friend whose cancer type was the same as mine, died, I felt lost. While I was sad for her and those she left behind, I was scared for myself. For over a year, we would compare notes as we had the same breast cancer type, first oncologist, chemo meds....she was like a companion whose presence gave me an assurance that I was going to be ok. 

For a time, it seemed like having breast cancer at stage 4 and thriving is starting to become a norm with all the improvements in the areas of medicine and technology, and with all the support groups that are readily available for those suffering the disease. 

When I heard about her, I cried. I thought of all our conversations: how we were both so positive, those numerous times she would remind me she was always praying for me, how happy she was with her doctor, but anxious at the same time for all the tests, scans and injections. I thought of her girls whom she loved dearly: how she would still be present for their school events, her motherly and proud smile as she raved about their antics and talents. I could tell, despite cancer, she was full of life. 

I thought deeply once again about this illness: how nothing in this predicament is certain. You can be full of life and positivity one day, and be down the next. You only do your best. You rely on the Giver of life. You pray, and trust. You only choose to continue in hope.

As my friend moved on to her new and pain-free path, I continue with mine. Even though I will still meet many challenges, and experience some pain, I know that the path God has for me is unique just like everyone else's, with or without cancer. I am eager, nervous, and thrilled to see God's plan unfold before my very eyes. No fear, only trust.

(Please pray for the family of Patty Buencamino Balquiedra, her two daughters, Anissa and Sabine, and husband, Neal Narvaez.)

Ugly

Seeing the effects of this cancer on my body has left me with a continuous fight to regain my self-esteem and how I look at myself. 

It may sound shallow to some, but who in the world would totally feel ok with what I'm going through now? The thought of going bald frightened me, moreso, getting a mastectomy. 

I would sometimes ask my husband if he's still attracted to me (silly question), and he would always assure me of his love and commitment whatever happens. I agree, this sickness has made me say some crazy things. 

I've realized how much my appearance mattered to me, and it is an ugly awakening. I am seeing how vain and shallow I can be. The lesson is when your perception of beauty fades, what are you left with?

I have the love and constant encouragement of my husband, the love of my children, like nothing has changed, the support of my friends, and the faithfulness of God, in always making me whole despite all my imperfections. 

I've become aware of other things I can do too, instead of letting so many outward stuff occupy my time. It is stressful to try to make everything look perfect: my appearance, children, husband, home, and the circumstances around me. For what? For my own satisfaction? And pride?

What valuable lessons this "ugliness" is teaching me!

This is what's beautiful: that I am maturing and learning, seeing the goodness of the people around me, and keeping this in mind,

30 

Charm can be deceiving,

    and beauty fades away,

but a woman

who honors the Lord

    deserves to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30 

Hope

Please don't get me wrong. My last post, Differently Positive, doesn't mean I'm losing hope. Learning from my experience with the death of my mom, which I was totally unprepared for, I am just constantly making myself ready for other possibilities, like...hmmm....death. 

I do think of death, but I think of LIFE more.

As long as there's still something we can do, we're not going to stop. We are far from giving up. 

I still dream of seeing my girls finish school, be successful in their chosen fields, get married, and have kids. I dream of being a grandma, seeing my grandchildren's smiles and chubby cheeks, smelling their breath and pinching their noses. 

I still look forward to spending more great years with my husband; getting teary-eyed with him during our daughters' graduations and weddings, and seeing his handsome grandpa face. 

I wish to be given a chance to take care of him.

I pray hard for these things. 

I wish that someday I'll be totally free from this sickness. Oh, how I long to be free from pain!

No, I am not losing hope. It is what keeps me alive, keeping me motivated to do what I am meant to do. It is what still enables me to laugh in a place of sorrows; stay strong at a time of weakness, and try to be a blessing to others at a time of great need. 

These are a few things that keep me going: celebrations, rest, and Mr. Froggy. I'll explain why.

Celebrations do not only mean a huge amount of food and chit chats. It is a great way to show love and appreciation to our loved ones. That is the most important thing. 

Who knows how many more birthdays and other celebrations I'll be in? And this is true for anyone. Making it extra special and memorable is something I am urged to do.

Recently, we organized a simple birthday party for our youngest. She requested for a camping themed party. We had homemade decorations, a simple spread of food, and a few invited guests. My 11-year old had a blast! Why? Because she felt loved. 

We were never into fancy celebrations. First, our budget doesn't allow it, which turns out to be a blessing. There is nothing like a fun and intimate gathering of family and friends. Focusing on what is most important is what matters.

Rest, clearly, helps me gather strength. I savor it! I think it's underrated. People think they're being lazy when they rest. That was so true for me before my diagnosis. But it is so essential to living. God gives proper rest to His children, it says in the bible. 

Here's a piece of advice: enjoy the comfort of your bed, eat a yummy snack, watch a movie, read a good book, or do art. Breathe deeply. Do some stretches. Get a massage. Sleep! Most importantly, have a relaxing, intimate talk with loved ones. 

Love your body and give it what it craves for: rest. 

"Mr. Froggy" represents the wackiness in my life. Where would I be without humor? It may sound redundant from me, but, it's so true, and it is worth repeating. Humor, or wackiness, gets me through days of turmoil. It pushes worry and fear away. Doesn't it feel good to laugh? There is nothing wrong with being silly sometimes. 

Psalm 42:4Living Bible (TLB)

4-5 Take courage, my soul.......Why then be downcast? Why be discouraged and sad? Hope in God! I shall yet praise him again. Yes, I shall again praise him for his help.[a]

Differently Positive

I was initially thinking of two other posts entitled "Celebrations, Rest, and Mr. Froggy", which, hopefully, would be a bit humorous, and showing a lot of positivity. The other post, "Ugly", would talk about my struggles concerning self-esteem, and how I am overcoming it through the word of God and my husband's encouragement - another "positive" post. Maybe, I will still post something under those titles, but after today's disappointment because of my hemoglobin being low, which means no chemo, I'd like to go another direction and not force myself to be upbeat. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, I am after all still human. I am often urged to be positive and fight, which is totally good, but right now, I feel like just letting things be. 

Every time my husband changes my bandages, we see new tumors growing and it's so easy to get discouraged and give up. At times, I would see my husband's face, and it isn't a look of gladness but of worry, which could easily scare me. However, I was reminded to look beyond the physical and seek the reason why this illness is being allowed to happen in spite of all our prayers and efforts. 

There is something deeper than just being well. These verses sum it all up, 

2 Corinthians 12:7 
I will say this: because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me and prick my pride. 8 Three different times I begged God to make me well again.

9 Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities.10 Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.

This post may not leave a positive note to some but this ongoing struggle is giving me more clarity as to how I should live my life. 

This cancer, with all its ugliness and pain, will not stop me from living my life to the fullest. 

What is this flesh worth anyway knowing it is bound to decay and die? We spend so much on beautifying, pampering, and enriching this flesh, when that is not the point of living. We pay so much attention on our life here on earth that we forget eternity. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working on being healthy but, what is most important, I am learning, is to prepare for heaven, our real home. 

It is for God to decide to give me my physical healing. If He decides otherwise, and He has all the right to, it is still well and good, because when I'm in heaven, I'll be perfect. 

Now, isn't that the most positive thing? 

An Update 2

I am excited to write this because for the past weeks I have been comfortable, energetic, and was able to do a lot of things. I don't know if they can be called work, but I have been doing things that mean a lot to me.

(Isn't it so much better to write about our victories than our pains and frustrations?)

First thing in my agenda is to get well. I have been consistent in taking my meds, and I am seeing good results! When I started taking the vitamins shown below, I have felt more energetic than I ever was. I think it's also the combination of things. These vitamins plus my other meds for iron, pain, and liver care are all helping me. Thank God for modern medicine!

I am not suggesting that others take these vitamins. I am simply writing about my personal experience. If you are interested in taking these, please ask your doctor. I consulted my doctor before taking these, and she said yes to it.

This morning, I had to thank my husband again as I always do because I really am grateful for him. I told him, my life is prolonged because of the care he is giving me. Isn't that true?

If a patient is secure in the care she is receiving, there can be more peace and joy in her that leads to more life.

Speaking of life, these are the things that occupied MY LIFE for the past weeks:

-We had a fund-raising event called, Great Cuts to Fight Breast Cancer. Some of the hairdressers I know gathered together to support this event. Not only do they love and care for me, but they remember the relationship they had with my mom. They think so fondly of her that they supported our cause wholeheartedly. They are friends and family who are fun-loving and full of life. Not only did we receive funding that's more than we expected, but we also had a lot of fun! There was dancing, singing, and crazy photo shoots. It was a break from my quiet life. I definitely needed that fun time. It was also great to see some of those who care for our family in person. It is life-giving for cancer patients to receive that kind of love. There is nothing like having real connections, apart from the internet that largely occupies us.  

I am truly grateful. Enjoy these wacky shots!

 

We are currently planning to have fundraisers every month. We'd like to make these gatherings fun and worthwhile to remember as family and friends come together. 

We are thankful for everybody's constant support.

-Scrapbooking. I have collected all our albums that are falling apart, and decided to work on one family scrapbook. It will show our wedding pictures, both our civil and church weddings, the birth of our girls, and their growing up years. I am not sure if I am doing a good job. I try to copy the ones in Pinterest but I am just a scrapbooker wanna-be. It's my first time to do this, so I expect improvements later on...hopefully. Here are some samples, 

Yikes! I really hope to be better at this.

-My happy art continues! Not only does this keep me busy, it has also been something I do with my kids. It is a good bonding time with them as we all work in my bed, being comfortably creative. :) Truthfully, I can't draw (Wow, this is brand new information! Not! Haha). What matters is I am having fun, and it keeps me away from negative thoughts and emotions.

Joey's work (ten years old)

Toni's (fourteen years old)

Andi's (seventeen years old)

-Lastly, I have been doing some work with my husband by pitching in ideas for our fundraisers, making a list of things that need to be done, and helping him organize by communicating with persons involved. It doesn't sound much, but I'm happy I am able to do more now. It feels good to be productive, but admittedly, I still can't do a lot of physical work as I still get tired easily. I am not expected by the people around me to work. They're actually doing a good job  in spoiling me. :) But for the season I am in, to do some work feels right. It helps me look forward to things, and therefore, gives me more strength.

November 5 is my third cycle of chemo. So far the new chemo drug, CMF, has been effective. I've been feeling lighter and a lot more comfortable. Please pray that it continues to be effective. 

I am grateful for everything that is keeping me here with my husband and children. It is not yet my time...there are still things to do and say, more love to give, prayers to be prayed, bible verses to read and learn from, and more moments to be touched and encouraged by others, seeing in them the goodness of God.

Still Here

I never had an easy life. Early on, I knew, life wasn't fair. At eighteen, I felt old. 

I never got comfortable about the separation of my parents. I knew we weren't a normal family. I craved for normalcy. At seventeen, I started to take steps towards that "normal life" by being in a relationship with a boy. I was starting to build a family of my own thinking, I'd have a normal family life. 

At the age of 22, this dream shattered. The boy left, as I dealt with having his baby in my tummy. That same year, my mom died. I became (sort of) a widow, and an orphan the same year. 

And then I learned even further that the world wouldn't be kind to you. So many people are normally just living for themselves and are success-money-material hungry. Even if it meant hurting someone, they'd get what they want. At a time, I was in the way of these individuals, and boy, I got hurt...really really hurt. Brokenhearted, shocked and angry, I didn't know how to go on. 

Through it all, God was there with me whether I felt him or not. Jesus guarded me in the midst of all the difficulties. I could have been swallowed up and destroyed by all the things I mentioned above. But I am still here.

And now, this sickness....you'd think I am cursed by God. 

How could that be when I'm experiencing his blessings through all the trials?

From the preaching I heard yesterday, suffering may oftentimes be because of our own doings. But there are instances when it's other people's fault and you suffer their evil actions. I know without a doubt, some of my sufferings were because I was directly affected by people's disloyalty, unfaithfulness, and greed. 

See, this is what Christianity is all about. It isn't that you're claiming you are perfect and you have a flawless life, but that you have a perfect God through all your imperfections; through all your unwise decisions, careless acts, willful ignorance, and other people's faults.

I am blessed simply because of what Jesus chooses to bless me with. And what a generous giver he is!

What I am really trying to say is, there are so many trends coming out these days, from exercise and fitness programs, organic food and products, strange way of thinking and being....but one thing has remained. He isn't some trend that comes and goes, and is ineffective. HE IS the ultimate source of comfort, healing and over-all wellness....He has been doing what he's doing to billions of people for thousands of years, which proves he is an immovable rock.

Now that I'm in a shaky place - seriously sick and faced with intimidating uncertainty, he remains to be my immovable rock.

In every season of my life, he remained the same...in every trial, he saved me....in every hurt, he comforted me. People say I'm strong but what they really see is God's grace and strength. My weakness makes a way for his strength to be displayed. 

Yes, my problems did not destroy me. He will forever be here, so, I am still here - hopeful and happy.

Enjoy this song,

Jennifer Hudson sang "I'm Here" from the Color Purple

Music

Where would I be without music? 

Music has been playing a big role in my journey through cancer. In the beginning of my treatments, I got this great verse, Zepheniah 3:17, 

The Lord God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will TAKE GREAT DELIGHT in you; in his love he will 

no longer rebuke you,

but will REJOICE over you with SINGING."

Singing (Worshiping) requires a lot of effort. You make use of your voice, hands and body. You discipline your mind to focus, understand the lyrics, and stay in tune. Your heart pumps. Your whole body is in submission to the song But, it...is...great. 

The moment I saw the verse above, the message that I got was God would be singing to me. In these difficult times, The King of kings and Lord of lords would be beside me singing, calming me like a mother would for her baby. 

Like a blanket of love, and a force that gives strength, God....Jesus envelopes me in his amazing love with songs. 

Those times when I would listen to my favorite christian songs, I felt that God was near, sending his peace through those melodies and words. What peace, POWER, and grace it brought me! What salvation it brought! 

The Lord is rejoicing over me....with singing! Wow. 

Here are A FEW of the songs I enjoyed, and empowered me through it all. Enjoy!

Strength Of My Life, Planetshakers

Oceans, Hillsong United

 

Freedom Is Here/ Shout Unto God, Hillsong United

Without You, David Guetta

With Everything, Hillsong United

Lord Of All, Jose Villanueva

Safe and Sound, Andi Tanabe

And for the hubby, I Love You More Today Than Yesterday, Bruno Mars

❤️

An Update 1

So many things have happened before this post. Generally, the past few weeks, have been like what I would always say, a roller-coaster ride. There were bad days, but there were also good days. Oh how I savor the good days, like how I would with a plate of juicy and saucy baby-back ribs. 

This will be a recollection of what I've been going through before this. Hopefully, I can impart some lessons. 

I couldn't write because I had so many things in my mind to post that I couldn't decide on the topic. So I decided to just calm down and enjoy the pause. 

We attended to mostly my condition, changing my chemo drug for the fourth time, blood transfusions, injections to increase my red blood cells, observing some new lumps, dealing with self-esteem, got my hair shaved off, dealing with open wounds, three-day visit to the hospital consecutively, dealing with pain....pain, pain , pain.......emotions, emotions, emotions......a roller-coaster ride indeed. 

So I was not able to write. What I have been doing are these,

-I call them my "happy art" 

Art is very calming for me. It brought fun and calmness into my pain. It brought out the kid in me too, which I have not seen in a long time. Thanks to a friend, I didn't know was a friend.(Cancer leads you to meet wonderful people). 

-Bible reading. I have been in Proverbs 29 and Philippians. Now, I am in Colossians. These are some of the wise words I have seen, 

Proverbs 29:23, "A person’s pride brings him down, but one of humble spirit has a firm hold on honor and respect."

Philippians 3:7-12, "But all these things that I once thought very worthwhile—now I’ve thrown them all away so that I can put my trust and hope in Christ alone. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have put aside all else, counting it worth less than nothing, in order that I can have Christ.....I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be."

Colossians 1:20-21 , "....through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. This includes you WHO WERE ONCE FAR AWAY from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself....."

-Home school. To be with my girls, and see how joyful, sensitive, and caring they've become gives joy to my heart. This relieves my pain too. It makes me forget about cancer. Home school gives me purpose, to  be hands-on with their education, to not just be concerned with the academics but more so, the building up of their character. I agree, academics are highly important. With the one-on-one lectures with their tutor and myself, my girls do understand concepts better. I learned that education, in its truest sense, is the building up of the mind, heart, and spirit. (Now I wish we have photos of our homeschool sessions.)

-Selfies. Please don't hate me for this. I know some, maybe many, associate this with mental disorder, and so many other negative things, and I agree, there are so many selfies that should remain private, or should not even have happened! But, hey, I was just having fun. I'm stuck at home, and I used to work as a photographer, hence, the self-portraits, aka, selfies. Plus I enjoy my photo apps so much. Good excuse? Here's my latest selfie....haha

-Lastly, (but not the LEASTLY...just a side joke that's obviously corny) my relationship with Doods gets tested......and strengthened. I won't elaborate on this, but I'll say this, we won it. In Jesus' name, we got the victory! We are sweeter and STRONGER together than ever. 

Blessings to all, in the name of my Savior, Jesus, amen.